Married, 30, and Children

HardRocker · 02-09-11

Andretti's point number one (post #10) reminded me to add that men frequently are woefully unaware of how hard their wives work. Between the children and household chores it can really be draining, physically and emotionally. Even if you do an even share of the load, you may want to consider picking it up a few notches and see if this might help. I have heard a lot of wives say the sexiest man is the one cleaning, dusting and chasing screaming children. And if it doesn't help right away, just keep it up and see how things go.

Stefanie · 02-09-11

Quote:

Originally Posted by CoachT

WOW cbr!! You are lucky (I guess) because I really don't see my wife acting the same way as yours did. I have been threatened for the entire marriage that if I cheat, She will cut my dick off!! Her words!! I am not sure I want to risk it - LOL.

On another note, I do not desire another woman - in fact, the reason I guess it bothers me so much is because I am still infatuated with her - I am still in the LUST phase, if you will.

After reading the comments on here it sounds like it is a normal part of a marriage and having a family. I just hate it - I have this funny feeling that about the time she decides she wants to start having sex I am going to hit the pinnacle of my career and thus be too stressed to have the urge myself. Or medical reasons will catch up with me - you never know. I wish that men and women would go through cycles together but instead I have read that I am now in the peak of my sexual being and she won't hit hers for another 10 years. Any truth to this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by andretti

A few thoughts for you, coach.

1. I agree with what another poster here theorized: she might simply be tired - dead tired. If that's the main issue, then a text, or lingerie, or a movie, or even a bubble bath won't address the root of the problem. Those things don't make you less exhausted. Have you tried getting up about an hour early, and working on housework like a madman, so that she has less to keep up with during her day? Ever come home from work for lunch, and let her get out of the house for a bit? Ever taken one of your vacation days, and played househusband for a day, and given her time off from parenting?

2. As for whether or not this is short-term or long-haul, hard to say. This varies between couples. Some end up bitter toward each other, some stay stuck in a sexual rut, others get back into it with a vengeance for lost time! Whatever you do, though, don't sell any of your gear at your next garage sale, or on eBay, for that matter! If she comes out of this funk, you'll be kicking yourself sooo hard....

3. You've omitted a few key pieces of information, such as: How long as this slump been going on? A few months? Or a few years? A few months may be just a passing phase. A few years might me it's time to patiently turn the ship around. Also, how old are your kids? Do you have a lock on your bedroom door yet? If you've got a kid who can walk and open a doorknob, it's time to put a privacy lock on your bedroom door. Don't let a nice Saturday afternoon opportunity go by because the kids are walking around.

4. You mentioned a possible tragic irony - that when she gets back into the swing of things, you're going to be the one who is wiped out. Think about that a little bit harder, and imagine it comes to pass. (Maybe your career is catching up with you; maybe you've been sidelined with an injury). Then, ask yourself, "How would you want her to handle that, if the situation really WAS reversed?" Nag you? Find another man? Then, treat her the same way you would like her to handle the situation, were it reversed. If you can get through this phase showing a lot of patience and understanding, that can often pay of big dividends later on. Many women find it much easier to be sexually adventurous with men they can respect and trust, so, who knows? You might be building up a lot of stock for the next chapter of your sexual lives. Don't let discouragement triumph just yet...

This is SUCH an awesome post I had to ditto it!

To add to this: I don't think it has to be a "normal" thing that "just happens." I help couples get the spark back in their romance all the time, so I just don't believe this is an inevitable conclusion to relationships (with or without kids). Relationships take work and communication. Lots of it. Daily.

To the OP: have you asked her why she isn't in the mood anymore and told her how much you desire her and miss your sex life together? You've told us a lot, but I wonder if you've told her the same thing. She can't read your mind, and you need to tell her all this.

Is it a lack of energy or a total lack of sex drive? Could she be depressed? She may need to see a doctor. If it's a lack of sex drive, depression could cause it, as could any medications or birth control she is on. She may need to switch BC or something if that's the case. If it's not a physical problem that can be corrected, you might suggest arousal creams. . . but that can be a touchy subject to introduce if either party could be sensitive about it.

02-12-11

It's with a great deal of trepidation that I post about this subject, because my experience isn't so much advice as it is a cautionary tale. Fortunately you've recognized the warning signs early; being somewhat more of a typical male, I either ignored them or chose to believe that they weren't insurmountable.

I could not have been more wrong.

The issues I was sweeping under the rug - fatigue, distance, seperation, were all vitally important to the sustainability of my marriage. Crucially. And just when things were seemingly getting back on track, our second came along. The same issues surfaced, only this time they were exacerbated by increasing time pressures - running here and there, picking up/dropping off, work pressures.... all with sleep deprivation constantly lurking in the background. And then, one morning, you wake up and realize you haven't had sex with your wife in over a month. As a man, the cruelest irony is how lonely you can become in a home with your family.

It ain't healthy.

Speaking of my own culpability now, if I had a "do over" I would be far less selfish with my time. I was off, doing my own thing far too often and for too many hours. Instead of burning off vacation time to cover for sick days, doctor's appointments, etc., I would go back and take that time off with the family. We were so busy worried about everything and everyone else that we forgot - neglected to worry about each other.

Spend more alone time with your wife. If you don't, it's at your and your marriage's peril. And when you do have an evening out or a quiet moment to yourselves, try not to talk about the kids.

Once again, good for you for facing this head on - you'll be fine. My self-deception in this area has been less than.... helpful.