Help with Problem

I will stand by my advise. You might be able to handle affairs , but she does not sound like she would. She sounds mixed up and is asking for advise from us as to the right way to handle it. I find that affairs, in the long run only break up marriages. They may be exciting at the time, but the guilt will last forever.

Um, Listen to hardrocker, who has been married forever, and for CL who didnt screw it up when she had the chance.

1) Marriage counseling
2) Marriage counseling
3) Marriage counseling

If I have not made myself clear enough:

MARRIAGE COUNSELILNG.

You say you "Like" your husband. Let's see, 19 years, children.

I want to say that I do not wish to offend any men on this site, there are many of you that I respect immensely, but to OP, if a man wants to get laid he will make sure that you feel like he is the one. Consider carefully, and make choices with your head, not your libido or your heart. The world is an ugly place sans partner. Make an informed choice.

NO offense, you are right, ever since man started pursueing women he has tried every trick in the book including your statement. Just a fact of life!

I have had a few affairs, and this is my second with a married woman. The first was good but uneventful for both of us, so I don't know where the 'torn apart' comes from. I don't use any rhetoric to justify anything other than I have, they have, and we all moved on as if nothing had happened. I'm sure that many on this forum would have loved doom, destruction or at least divorce, but the reality is boring. Sexual encounters at preset times in preset places, to spice up each other's lives, and (surprisingly) spicing up our home sex lives at the same time.

This is a common element of many affairs, that the sex life at home gets stronger. It's like we need it (in actual fact, we do).

So, I'm afraid, no ruined marriages, divorces or anything dramatic.

Only a tiny proportion of affairs lead to divorce. Some would feel guilty, some won't, I didn't and I don't.

In any case SHE'S NOT IMPLYING AN AFFAIR! I read it as making a choice between this other guy, her husband, and broaching the subject with the other guy.

Some marriages are fixable, some can be fixed through counselling, some are beyond repair and all the counselling in the world won't help. It depends on where the OP thinks her marriage is at. My sister, who I quoted before, can't do counselling because her husband isn't interested. So it's misery or divorce.

Which would you pick?

Sorry, but I forgot that you were from the magical land of Canberra where cheating on your spouse is acceptable because you are all so very evolved that lying and being unfaithful is a wonderful thing and never ends in pain for anyone involved.

Really, man, what colour is the sky in your world?

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Hi Alisa,

I do feel there are a few potential solutions for you to consider. However any solution below involves you discussing it with your husband and getting his agreement.

Threesome

Will give you the option to have him and your husband there is a controlled environment where you can feel secure. A few drawbacks is you already have feelings for him and by having a threesome most likely your husband will notice that. It could turn what is meant to be an enjoyable experience into an experience fraught with drama. Another drawback is that it would further develop feelings and make any potential for resolving the issues with your husband less likely.

Open Relationship

This is a potential solution whereby you are able to form a secondary relationship with this male and your husband would be allowed to form secondary relationships with other women. Making an open relationship work takes allot of work, allot of effort, and the ability to problem solve on getting over emotional roadblocks. For many couples maintaining multiple-relationships can be difficult and it usually leads to a break-down in the relationship. My feeling this solution needs to be considered very carefully due to the risks involved.

Cuckold

As something for consideration I feel this might be a possibility. A cuckold here would not be a way of humiliating or dominating your husband. Instead it would be an opportunity to have sex with the guy on one and maybe a few occasions. The line of demarcation between an open relationship and a cuckold would be the number of encounters would be limited and there would be no emotional involvement. It would give you the freedom you want right now but such an arrangement would be risky. In order to make it work it would involve talking with your husband and developing clear rules about it.

Conclusion

Any solution depends on your husband and yourself reaching an agreement. It should be noted that all three solutions involve risk and should not to done without considering the risks involved. Nonetheless the above does provide a potential solution that stops short of ending a 19 year marriage. Whatever is decided must be because the both of you feel it is in your best interests.

The history of marital faithfullness comes from patriarchal control of female sexuality, so that a husband can be sure that he is the biological father of his wife's offspring, and therefore pass inheritance to his sons. Nothing more or less than this. Over time it has taken a life of it's own, although only in recent times, say during the previous century. Today love = sexual desire for life for one single person; although many on this forum, yourself included, know this is not the case. We Anglos tend to suffocate relationships, devoting ourselves to our partner and expecting them to devote themselves to us. All of the mystery is removed, and then, suddenly we wonder where our, or our partner's, sexual desire has gone. But seldom are we erotically attracted to a person who's the mirror image of us. But we are in love and not having sex, so we join sexual discussion forums to find the answer. And the answer is NOT to have an affair, but to bring mystery, excitement and intrigue back into our lives.

Most who know me just a little would know that I have a wonderful home sex life, and much of that is due to my marriage being quite different. Although I have been married for decades, in many ways my wife is still a dark and erotic stranger. How do I completely understand thousands of years of Bantu culture? How do I understand someone who's the offspring of a polygamous marriage? How do I understand someone who grew up in a civil war, who's brothers fought and were killed, who's own life was in danger? The answer is I don't, and therein lies some of the attraction. That was part of the attraction when we met: not her colour but her mystery.

The other part of the attraction is that African marriage is not about becoming mirror images of one-another, but rather living together and giving each other room at the same time. So she has her things, I have mine, and we have shared things as well, but our separateness is to a much greater extent than other couples I know. So, when we fuck, we are joining together for a moment in time, a little like having an affair, only in marriage.

In any case this is a little off the track, except to say that monogamy is not natural, especially when we get too close to our significant others (that term is symbolic of the problem). Waning sexual desire is normal, unless we find ways to make our partners erotically attractive to us again, and to make ourselves erotically attractive to our parners as well. And that can only come with mysteriousness, and the exciting anticipation of fucking someone unfathomable and interesting. Not from books, or sex toys, or discussion forums which insist that love = sexual attraction (it doesn't).

Think about who you would like to fuck more than anyone else at the moment? We all have our fantasies, who's yours? It wouldn't be a CPA, would it? If it was, it might be the middle-aged CPA who younger women still flirt with; who's unpredictable, uncontrollable, and a bit naughty. And who's overflowing with passion, more than enough passion for many lovers. And that might be his erotic attraction.

Non-Anglo societies, European societies for example, know this, and affairs are normal and quite natural. Who was the former French president who died, and both his wife and his mistress stood side-by-side at his funeral? It was recent, late '90's, and everyone knew, including those who voted for him. The answer is François Mitterrand. In any case, this is what life's about (la joie de vivre).

Except for one thing... we've never had marriage counseling. We have sat down and self-counseled though. And realized we had the second chance that CanberraMale poopood, but I luckily didn't have him for consultation back then.

But thanks, FC, I like the Listen to Hardrocker part. We have been figuring it out forever. They didn't give us a maintenance manual when we got hitched.

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Hey HR Honey!

I referred to you because I know from being on here that you have a solid marriage, and you love your wife. If they gave us a manual at the altar none of us would need SF, or marriage counseling, which didnt work for me because I was the only one who worked at it.

As for CBR, thank goodness he was not MY marriage counselor!