Sex After Breakup/Friends With Benefits

Hello all:
So in a nutshell, my boyfriend broke up with me on August 9th. We started as best friends, and four years later we dated for several months, now broken up but still best friends. Always best friends. That is something he insisted on, and I do as well. What sparked the romance was that we became "friends with benefits". Our sex is spectacular, and we do things with one another that we would never do with someone else. My feelings for him were so strong that I was going to ask him to marry me.

The problem is that there is still a sexual attraction. I really want to continue to be "friends with benefits". Badly. He is not so crazy about the idea. He just had major surgery and really wants to not have sex or even date for at least a year, so he can sort out his issues. He knows, though, that from time to time he will get horny, and that I would be the only person on his list to have sex with. But he is concerned that if we had sex that it would only confuse and upset me. I told him that I can separate sex from love, and that I very much want sex to be an option.

I'm wondering if this is a good idea or not. We can't help our attraction to one another, and we both know that our sex is amazing. I'm pretty sure I can separate the sex from the love that I'm recovering from, but deep down there is a part of me that doubts it. I don't admit this to him, though. I just have a really hard time keeping my hands off him. Still, when I'm with him, I find myself stroking his thighs (my favorite part of him), to which he typically does not object. Sometimes he pulls back when I do, telling me that he's "on and off" about it.

So is continuing to have sex a bad idea? I know I'll heal from the romantic part of things, but honestly, the sex is what I'm missing the most. It's to the point that masturbation does not quell my desire for him, as discussed in a previous post I made here. What I'm most afraid of is that if I don't have sex with him that I will find it elsewhere. Specifically online. It's so easy to hook up with someone here. I did that all the time years ago, and I don't want to do that again. It made me feel dirty, and not in a good way. Plus, it's dangerous.

I welcome all advice. I really, really want to get past this.

In my opinion? Yes, you have far to much of an emotional attachment to him to let the sex just be sex. Doing so in my opinion would be detrimental to your emotional well being. Not to mention, if he's not really into the idea, you should probably respect that. I don't know why you two broke up, and it's really not our business unless you choose to share it with us, but given the fact that you DID break up, there are probably issues there. Sex sometimes complicates things more then it's worth.

So my questions to you are, would you rather feel dirty and have random hook ups and possibly risk your sexual heath? Would you rather talk him into continuing sex with you and risk making things even more awkward or painful in the case that you two have a blow up or he decides, after a time or two or three that it's just "not right that we're doing this" which will put you into an even deeper funk?

Or, would you rather be a strong person like I'm sure you are and work through this yourself making you feel better and more independent from what's currently holding you back from a lot?

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Hi Mittimer:
The reason he broke up with me was that he said he really never wanted to be in a relationship. He just went along with the idea of being boyfriends because he's a "people pleaser" and didn't want to let me down. He really just wanted to be "friends with benefits" but my feelings for him grew deeper over time.

I don't want to have random hookups. I was never that sort of person until about six or seven years ago. I had my own place and my libido was through the roof. It was easy to get some decent sex. When I met Jacob, though, it all changed. I quit hooking up, even before we had sex.

I don't want to "talk him into" anything. If he were having sex with me just to please me I would feel awful. And you're right, I would be put into an even deeper funk if we were to do it a few times and then he says he can't do it anymore.

Normally, I am a very strong person, but this breakup has really dealt me a blow. I've been reduced to an overemotional wreck. I'm just so afraid of the pain that I have to face in order to get past all of this.

Thank you, Mittimer. I was afraid to bring this up on this forum, as it seems more sexually oriented than relationship oriented. But I'm glad I did bring it up, as I'm really hurting over this, all the while trying to put on a brave face in front of Jacob.

I know I'm only 21 and my relationships are probably just a speck of sand in the grand scheme of things, but I'm one of those type of people who love easily and get hurt even easier. I spent 3 years of my life (granted it was in highschool) with the same guy. 3 years is a very long time for a 15 year old. We had planned everything, we were each others worlds and that's all that mattered.

Then, out of nowhere we split. Why? Because he felt I was holding him back and he didn't want a real relationship at that young of an age. Did it hurt? FUCK YES. I thought my life had ended at that point and still to this day at nearly 22 years old, engaged to be married, I'm still not over him. It still hurts. A part of me, regardless of how old I get, who I'm with, how far apart we are will always be with him.

That relationship made me who I am today. Just like this break up and relationship strife will make you who you are.

It's going to hurt for a while, ending it with someone who you thought was "the one" always does and always will.

My best suggestion is to just relax, TRY your hardest to get over this. Distract yourself. Take up a busy hobby. Write about it, get it out. Talk to people about it like you are here, but do not put yourself in a position with him that could just end worse.

I know some people will say "Oh it could? If we didn't do things just because they COULD blah blah blah" but this is different.

You love him, you wanted to marry him. He didn't want a relationship. That strong emotional attachment to him will not fade like you want it to and no matter how much you try to hide it, it's easy for the people who know us to see past that facade.

Relax, breathe deep and take it one tiny step at a time.

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Unlike other sexual oriented forums, here we understand that the relationship plays a larger role in sex than people seem to realize.

I have to agree with everything Mit said. From the sounds of how hurt you are by the break up, it may not be a good idea to put yourself out there to potentially be hurt even more. It may be best to just take a break from it all, and work on getting over the relationship. Keeping him as a friend could possibly be good, but staying intimately involved will make it much harder to get over. It will continuously stir up those old feelings, which it sounds like you may want to avoid.

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Great advise given by Mit, she is wise beyond her years. Let me add though, this has gone on for years you say, all you are doing is prolonging the inevitable, the guy is not wanting to get serious. This keeps you from going out and finding someone who would make you happy. And you deserve to be happy!

Thank you

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I would ask myself if it was realy the sex that i missed most or is this my way of continuing at least some part of the relationship regardless of the inevidable outcome and if so like everyone else here has said is it realy worth all of the emotional problems it brings with it? In the end the choice is yours and yours alone. I unfortunatly was on the oposite end of this several years back where i was the one who didnt want the relationship that started out as just f buddies and she got emotionaly attatched. It went on longer than it should have even after i realised this and i will tell you from my experience when the emotional attatchment is there it might not be as easy to seperate the two as you think. She continued to say that she could but every once in a while she would get upset again and rightfully so. The best thing i could have done for both of us is to end it earlier.

No, that's not bad idea. You should continue sex with him. If you will continue like this then after some days you will get positive result. And I am also wishing you best luck for you.

I'm sorry, but I think that is the worst thing he could do. You can't fuck someone into loving you again once you've broken up. It doesn't work that way.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

I disagree with your statement that you are able to separate sex from love and I feel you have an emotional attachment to him that is complicated by sex. In addition I feel if you were able to separate sex from love his request to end the relationship for at least a year would not be causing you so much angst. My feeling if this relationship is to survive then respecting his wish should be honored and if you continue to have sex then I feel it will only complicate things further. Finally, your question implies that after a year things may begin again and maybe putting things "on hold" for a year might provide the clarity needed for this relationship.

Sadly, YorkieSmurf
Our OP hasn't been back in on over two weeks. I don't know if he's coming back

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I must say that I have been in the same situation before. I was dating a girl for a period of time and once we broke up we still had amazing sex, sex that was hard to find elsewhere. We continued to have sex and she was still very attached and I was not. It became an issue because she would always get confused, and even would try to date other guys but would come back to me for sex. Eventually I started dating other girls and stopped having sex with her then at that point she really had difficulty with the situation not only was I not allowing her in mentally but physically either so dragging out the sex for so long eventually had its ramifications.

I agree entirely trying to "fuck someone into loving you" is an awful situation because when you realize what the person is after isn't love then he'll end up more hurt.

Diesel and CL are right....let it go....