My mind won't stop....

OK....here's the DL. I'm married and the husband has (I guess) lost his sexual appetite. We barely have sex and the desire is way gone....it's boring. So, one day I went to a casual sexual encounter site and put together a profile....after a few weeks I found a really sweet guy (with that bad boy look) and started chatting with him. At first I really just wanted someone to pay attention and notice me....wasn't really looking for a 'sex upon meeting' person since I've never cheated on my husband before.
It's been a month now since I've been talking with this guy who lives in a different state and is only an hour away (I've visited him 2 times already). When I go over there, it like visiting with a best friend who's got the same interests as me...I'm so comfortable. We've not had sex but we've gone into a full mindblowing make out session on his couch...so intense...something I've not ever felt with my husband.
And that's where I'm at. This guy lives in my head and makes me feel things I've not felt in a long time....I'm always excited to hear his voice and he tells me things that really my husband should be telling me.
I feel bad about this and I DO REALLY love my husband and I know he loves me, but he's not so much as an emotional, loving, 'pay mind to your wife' kind of man. And this guy is giving me all that and more....
I'm afraid to hang on to this guy with our relationship for it may ruin my marriage to a great hard working husband, but I'm afraid to let go for I may be back to my boring depressing lack of attention marriage.

A few years ago, I was in a similar situation, in that my marital sex life sucked. I did go online and chatted with some guys, even going as far as to planning to meet one. I never did and I am very glad about that.

What I did instead was to work on my marriage, using everything the internet had to offer not to hook up but to make sex fun and insteresting once again. Through a lot of effort, I was able to set a sexual fire under my husband, so to speak, and now we have a lot of fun in bed.

Now, I still have a higher sex drive than my husband, so I have a virtual lover that I masturbate with on a regular basis. My husband knows about him and is fine with it. We hope to have a threesome with my lover some day, but so far it hasn't worked out.

My virtual lover fills a need that I have both emotional and physical. He's my best friend and he gets my motor running with just the sound of his voice. I mistook my feelings for him as being IN LOVE, but now I realize I do love him, but I'm only in love with my husband. Life is good.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Since I'm younger (15yrs) than my husband, my sex drives is as well high. With that, I've tried to express to my husband about my sexual drive and of things that couldn't hurt to experience...he's such a old-fashion person. I've suggested adding someone else to our sex life and he's only willing to invite another woman under certain circumstances, but won't even think about another guy. I've suggested other things that I find so arousing and that I would like to try, but he closed that window because he's not comfortable with bondage. It's frustrating and if I could be so lucky as you to have my new friend to be known, I'd be just peachy...but it's a different situation---he would find that just by talking to this other guy is a sin against our marriage even if we're not having sex.
I've tried to explain to him that whatever we try does not have to be a perm factor in our marriage; I just want him to try and find what may spark interest....trying can't hurt, and he refuses to try.....at the age of 43.

It's a shame that this has happened to you at such a young age TruBlu.....
Surely there must have been a time when things were better.....so what happened?
Have you gone forwards? or has he gone backwards?
Do you think his percieved problems are physical or is it all in his head?
Im assuming that you've already tried to spark up your love life with him by other means.......no doubt CL could give you plenty of pointers on how to go about this....if you still have the inclination to do so that is

Just my 2 cents.....I wish you well

Am I getting this right? He's only 43 and is shutting down sexually? That is not normal or healthy. I know, my hubby started even earlier than that and it about ruined our marriage until we got things straightened out.


I always thought he was pretty uptight sexually and never really pushed the topic of sex when we talked. We we first started dating we had a lot of sex. When we had our child and married after knowing each other for two years the sex train came to a screeching halt. The reasons were many and complicated, so I'd rather not go into it all here.

After a while we drifted apart, he never initiating sex and me taking that as a sign he no longer found me sexy. I went on miserably with him for 8 years before I got my first virtual lover. My virtual sex caused a jump in my libido. I was crazy horny because I felt wanted by another man that had never met me face to face. He was the man that wrote me the first sexual email that I'd ever gotten and was the same man that I wrote my first erotic story for.


I was like a goat in heat but hubby wasn't interested in sex and never initiated. This caused me even more frustration until I got to the point that I was AGGRESSIVELY initiating sex with him.. To my utter joy, he was turned on by me calling the shots and turned into the man I had dated all those years ago. The sex was kinda bland compared to the virtual sex I was having, but something was better than nothing.


At first, all the virtual and IRL sex I was having was enough but still I wanted things to be better so I went online to find a web site that could help me. That was 3 1/2 years ago and the first site I clicked on was SF. I never looked beyond this site. for I knew I'd come to the right place.


Fast forward to now...I am a confident, secure, and outrageously sexual woman with two wonderful men to love and be loved by, as well as a kind and caring community to share my sexploits with.

How cool is that?

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

When we first got together 5 1/2 yrs ago, it was hot-just sex and neither of us expected to get serious. He was just divorced from his first marriage and just looking for a fling. It was everyday and sometimes twice a day...then as we got serious it declined a bit. But now since we're married (2yrs) and I take into consideration of his job as a laborer, it's seriously declined to maybe once a week.
I think it may have to be that he's 'comfortable' and in a routine, and anything out of his routine makes him uncomfortable. And I've talked to him about how frusturated I am and how at times it makes me feel that he's not sexually attracted to me anymore, but he just looks at me like I'm not getting him.....I guess what I really need is for him to explain to me of what it is that's blocking him, but even that's hard since he doesn't like talking about things of such sorts or even his feelings.

That is seriously cool....and I really hope by being here, that I can mend what's broken with everyones help; achieve what you've achieved, because I don't want to be 'stuck' where I'm at.

That's the spirit!

I've learned about all kinds of ways to spice up my sex life through reading about other people's experiences here on SF. Keep reading and posting; it will do you a world of good, I think.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Yes....by all means, stick around TruBlu....
Even though there's plenty of ways to "spice up" a relationship, it would appear that your prime concern right now is one of improving communications between yourselves.....
stick with it girl.....you just never know what sort of ideas may come up from your new friends here at SF.

have you talked to your husband about his lack of attention giving? spend a night and show him what you want, if things dont change, then there is a time and a place to be selfish. be happy. do what makes you happy. people will get hurt inevitably, but you should stay happy in the end.

I feel so left out.

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im just so amaised by how open people are and i found out that there are more things that girls like in men then i thought for that i am greatfull

and i hope my wife has a higher sex drive then me! that would be awsome!

This is a bit like the problem I had with my wife: she liked it plain and I liked to spice things up. I suggested that (as you have found out) that unfulfilled sexual frustrations can, and do, lead to infidelity and, possibly divorce. She knew I wasn't joking, so she took it on board to be a bit more pro-active. I then got her agreement to hire some educational tapes from the Sinclair institute and we watched them together, and then she get aroused... She actually wanted to be the women in those tapes. Before then, of course, she wouldn't have watched them.

So know it varies from outdoor sex in summer to bdsm to playing games to doing all sorts of interesting things.

Perhaps what you need to do is have that heart-to-heart. After all, true love isn't putting up the shutters and saying ''no" to the person you love. Love, in my book, is to listen, understand, and try to find a middle ground that keeps the person you love happy and satisifed.

Is he perhaps feeling resentment towards you in some way? Men are notoriously bad at expressing their feelings, and perhaps you've done something (unknowingly) that he now harbours a grudge against you.

It could be something silly. Maybe you said something to embarass him in front of his friends. Or maybe you are in a job where you earn more than him.

Some men go off sex when their self-esteem has been knocked or they feel inferior somehow to their partner.