asking my wife to dress sexy - how?

As may have been read already here, I have had a lot of dissatisfaction in my love life within my monogamous relationship - marriage.

What bothers me is that my wife never dresses to be "sexy". She likes clothes quite a bit and has some nice dresses, but they are all long below the knee. Although I like breasts, I am a leg man.

If I suggest some sexy wear, she immediately says something like - "well, that sounds like wearing that outfit that would be more for you" to me. Well it is!! Why doesn't my wife wear sexy clothes, at least around the house? Sometimes when bringing up the sex/sexy topics I feel like I am talking to a wall - sometimes a wall that tells me that my ideas aren't important.

She does have some sexy bedtime wear, but I don't want to wait till we "decided" to have sex too see that on her. If I saw her wear sexy clothes(such as shorter skirts), then maybe I would have the enthusiasm to work our way to the bedroom. She is obese and isn't proud of her appearance, but I am married to her - and why can't I see more of her?
I feel shortchanged in a way, like she doesn't care. She is considered a very nice person, and very giving which she is. But when it comes to sex that part of her personality is missing.

Sometimes we go months without sex - other times maybe a couple times a month. The whole sex thing within our marriage, has just been such a struggle/depressing aspect of our relationship.

By the way, she doesn't ask me to wear anything in particular - but says I look nice/hot sometimes. She doesn't go much beyond that other that tapping my leg or butt after saying such comments. Thanks for any feedback!

By the way, I have looked up some night wear websites and told her what I liked - she balks(a little open to it) at that too. Maybe I should look up some skirt sites to find what interests me. I don't like getting to the point where I feel I am giving up on the whole thing. That is more depressing than I like to be.

I went to Victoria's Secret before Valentine's Day a couple of years ago with something for my wife in mind. I recruited help from the girls there and really had a blast picking out some things.

I got her some black lacy thigh-high hose and a bra and panties to match. She was thrilled. At the time we hadn't had any real sex in a good while. That night she put it all on and I took her out dancing. That did the trick.

Now whenever we go on an overnight trip, if I don't see her sexy stuff in the suitcase, I put it there. When she opens the case and sees it, it's instant wetness. You might try that. Waiting for her to ask for sex doesn't work too well, so I say go for it.

Did you know the mannequins at Victoria's have cameltoe??!!! Just keep your hands in your pockets while you're there.

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You mention she is obese and given her defensive responses in your approaches I can't help feel that there maybe some self-esteem issues here. She possibly feels self conscious with the attire you are suggesting. If all this is because of self esteem issues, perhaps this is what needs to dealt with first.

You need to work out what make her feel good. Perhaps you could choose suitable clothing together as a compromise.

James
(Brit Northern male)

Great advice, James. I'm going through similar issues with my own wife, and with her I believe it's all self-esteem issues. Unfortunately that's a hurdle that's difficult to leap over.

If that were true, I'd still be here.

Thanks, I think the self esteem issue is something for me to keep in mind. I know I need to be careful about my selection of words - you guys are target with this advice.

Tell your wife you've planned a very special date. You've taken care of all the details and it's all a secret.

Take her to a store and put her in the dressing room and pick out clothing for her to try on. The entire outing can be really fun, especially if you praise how beautiful you think she is in whatever you've picked out.

Buy her an entire outfit, from dress to underwear to shoes. If you want to top it off, offer to have her hair styled and a manicure and pedicure, then take her out to a romantic dinner. Make sure you look really nice, too!

She'll feel beautiful and spoiled by you. Tell her how much you love how she looks! You may find that it changes how much effort she puts forth if you re-ignite a spark there.

If it doesn't work, you'll still win major points for being a great husband and for appreciating her. It's a win-win situation.

Here is a thought: before she will dress sexy for you, you have to try to make her feel sexy. Try helping her attitude. Compliment her when she is wearing nice clothes, even if they are modest. Any time you see her body (e.g. getting dress/undressed, showering, etc.) give her a compliment - not anything overtly sexual, but just saying how nice she looks. If you help her feel sexy not just as a function of what she wears, but how she attracts your eyes, she may be more willing to wear those sexy things for you.

Jeff, did you mention if you had kids or not? I don't recall.

I was thinking that if your wife was anything like me, when she threw herself into motherhood, she stopped thinking of herself as a sexual being and focused on being a caregiver to the baby. I think that is why a lot of women gain weight after they have kids. It's not because they care so very little for themselves, it's that they are in "mommy" mode and everything else falls by the wayside.

For the first 8 years of being a mom, I admit to hardly ever wanting sex and dressing sexy was the last thing on my mind. My husband didn't pursue sex and kind of just stepped aside and let me try to be Super Mom.

What you need to do, Jeff is, remind her she's a woman, a sexual being, not just caregiver. She probably lost touch with her inner sexiness, so you need to help draw it out of her.

Good luck.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

htoad and Cowboy Lover (haaaaaayyyyyy - thats what gay horses eat) are right. You can't expect it to just change overnight. ESPECIALLY if she has body issues. Your job is to make her feel sexy. Once she feels sexy, everything will fall into place.

I have been married twice. In my first relationship my ex loathed my dressing even remotely sexy. Looking back he was so incredibly insecure he glowed. He would go so far as to go through my wardrobe and rifle around for items he found questionable and then interrogate me as to why I had them. Seriously.

My current beloved had some work to do, as you can imagine, but he's unleashed the beast. To be honest, I've always been fond of revealing clothing and lingerie, but I never indulged (and first marriage totally messed up my head about it). With his encouragement I have found that I am built for it and am a total ham prancing around for him. My husband is very very happy - he's got the pics and vids to prove it.

Be good to her, as I know that you probably are. Tell her how she makes you feel. It will take just as much energy for you to put in as the pleasure you will get from it.

PS: As someone who once weighed more, head my warning, don't buy her anything. Soooo many issues there. I still don't like my husband knowing my size (but really I'm 3 sizes, am I right ladies?). She might also take it the wrong way and set you back to zero.

do all things with the passion of knowing that tomorrow may never come