Boyfriend's... phobia?

Me and my man have just started sleeping together (I'm his first). We have had sex a number of times, but sometimes (and happening more and more) he'll lose his errection right before we actually get down to it.

We're both young and he tells me he finds me very attractive. He also tells me he is extremely nervous. I try to be sympathetic, I never put pressure on him to 'perform' and I'm quite happy to cuddle if it doesn't work out (he gets really stressed about it).

It doesn't matter how many times I say "let's just not worry about going the whole way, let's just have fun!". Not matter what happens, whenever the time is right he bottles it and becomes a nervous wreck.

I still love him, of course I do, but I'd love to take our relationhip a step further and have regular sex with him... Any advice? Anyone else have the same problems?

One last note - the sex we have had has been great! For some reason it hasn't helped his confidence much...

I am sure this has been answered before, but slap me mods, I don't feel like looking.


Whatzi,

My opinion is, especially with someone new to sex, or even with a new sexual partner, the man puts himself under pressure to perform well. He wants to please you, and any fear of not doing that, such as not being as good as previous lovers, not knowing what to do and not do, etc. can lead to deflated city.

If you are experienced, gently lead him with your hands, with careful whispers. Remember to emphatically tell him what feels good, and if something doesn't, tenderly lead him away from that move, action without a negative word.

Stroke his ego in and out of bed. Don't lie, but tell him how good he makes you feel while having sex and just in general relationship terms. The key is letting him know that he above all others pleasures you the most, and that is why you choose to have sex with, and be in a relatinship with him.

Visual stimulation does wonders, as men love nothing more to see a naked or scantily clad woman coming (cumming) LOl for him.

Whatever you do, do not complain about the sex. Keep it positive. Let him build up some experience, and seduce him whenever you can. Work him up slowly. Bang out a great head job and make him the center of attention.

Be patient. If this is meant to be a great sexual relationship it will get there....

Thanks for the advice...

This is the sad thing... I really do try my hardest to tell him that he can't really go wrong in bed, and he does know how to pleasure me... but he tends to try and rely on his tried and tested methods instead of going further.

I'm worried he's doing it to himself As in, he has a fairly obsessive nature - if a bag of pasta says "allow 75g per person" he'll get out the scales and weigh it - and I'm so worried he's thinking he won't be perfect He's by far the best lover I've ever had, and I do tell him as such...

Do you think maybe him worrying about it happening again makes it happen?

YES! Him worrying about it is only making it worse. I wish I knew what phrase you could type in the search box to research this because we have discussed it here before. I don't recall exactly what advice was given, but I'm sure what FC said is true.


I wish some guys would chime in because I think at one time or another in their lives a lot of men have had problems in this area to one extent or another.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Since I've never had the problem, I'm not sure how I would react. I think the main thing is to tell him to snuggle with you and keep thing low key and don't make an issue about it. If it were me, I'd like the attitude of not to worry and lets have fun.

Sounds to me like he has "performance anxiety". Search on that on this site and elsewhere on the net. A couple of things come to mind: If he is not your first he may wonder if he is up to your expectations, or he could be concerned about pregnancy. For some unknown reason(s) it can even happen to those of us that have had sex with the same partner for years.

*I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible,*
*but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.*

Ok, I'll give researching that a go...

Thanks!

It's a pretty recent thread and it had a lot of activity as I recall. If I run across it I'll come back here and post it.

Try using Google's advanced search with no filtering and type in the "Domain" box "sexualforums.com" (without http://www.). Then, in the "Phrase" box, type short phrases you might expect in a thread like that.

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Absolutely! I recently dated a guy with this problem. It was all in his head already for many reasons, but once that thinking starts, the tool loses all brain. Please research the threads others on here pointed out and try to keep your frustration level from showing. I tell ya, when he cannot perform, a loving bit of oral and totally focused attention on his cock really can work wonders...remember to look into his eyes..and wink!

Good luck, and please continue to ask questions!!!

It does sound like "performance anxiety" to me too. I believe it happened to us years ago. I thought it was me too at first. My Bf told me it wasn't . It was our first time having sex and happened years ago. It actually happened during sex. My bf was young too at the time. He was doing great . I think it was just anxiety. I tried not to make a big deal out of it. Guys need confidence in their ability to satisfy you. It will come believe me with time and patience. Like some of the girls above have already mentioned try oral sex first. It will not be long before it happens. good luck whatzit

Maybe I am missing something here.... He has an erection and it gets away......

Considering I am male I can see the easy solution. Don't let it get away. Keep matters in hand until they are placed elsewhere. May sound like I oversimplified things but it just might add to both participants pleasure to boot.

Performance Anxiety. Killed me at first.

tell him to go to a urologist and he will be given a low dost ed drug which will help him get by this issue...OR

this has also given me solid ones:

*link removed*
Trib helps be big time, as it is a testosterone *booster* and that particular supplement has a high potency and quality.