Trouble on the Horizon with Wife!

I've been there a dozen times bro. Constantly having the same conversations with her. But I wasn't asking the right questions.

When I took her out to dinner that night, I asked the hard questions. The ones that opened some wounds, but they had to be cut open for us to heal our problems.

Like I said, I wish I could say that conversation changed everything back to how it used to be. However, it has helped change things around though. We aren't swinging from the ceiling like we used to, but there has been a dramatic improvement.

That is the most important thing I am trying to stress to SWC - there is no easy solution. It will take time and a load of patience and understanding. Gotta put your ego in your back pocket and leave it there.

I wonder if he's come back to read any of his thread.

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This is such a wonderful and truthful thread. Glad it was posted because it spoke much of what I have been trying to tell my man. I sent him the link and hope he read it, but it also gave me the words I was looking for to tell him.

Him being out of town has put a damper on our relationship. (Although we did have an amazing time last weekend) But I have realized that my sex drive has been down since he isn't here doing the little things. I know he can do some things from afar but I don't think he knows how or what. That is what we were discussing last night.

Reading your posting I am left to wonder if a part of the issue is length of relationship. From my experience at some point in a relationship the relationship moves from trying new things, sexually, to being able to connect on an emotional level. With the demands of work, children, other demands, and family commitments it can make connecting difficult. The best thing is do take some time alone and see if you can re-connect.

WOW!
This post has received more replies than I would have ever imagined! You have given me great advice and I appreciate it. Thanks to all who have taken the time!

I will keep you posted on the results.........

i'm in a similar situation. married for 5 yrs now, but we've been together for almost 10yrs. sex life recently is close to non-existent. if there is any sex in our lives, it's a chore to her and that thought in itself just turns me off so we just stop. we've had the "talk".. several times over the course of the last 3+ years. a few times, things got better for a few weeks but eventually went back to where it is now. in a way, i'm getting tired of hashing and re-hashing the same old issues. i'm so tired of it now, i've just decided not to bring it up anymore.

she and i are actually both pretty good communicators with each other; it wasn't too hard having the "talk" and we often discuss with each other pretty hard topics. We're actually great friends, "best friends" even.... and being able to connect with each other so deeply, so easily, was in a way, how we decided we were right for each other. we've shared personal secrets with each other that we've literally never shared with anyone else. every time we've talked about it in the past, it mostly boils down to her sex drive being non-existent; she just doesn't "feel" the urge. of course, my sex drive is the polar opposite; i would go for 3-5 times daily if I could.

it rather saddens me actually. our relationship in all other aspects is great. we see eye to eye on most things and when we don't agree on things we're always able to sit down and talk about it and work things out. we support each other in many ways and work great together as a team outside the bedroom. we almost never argue (maybe twice in 10yrs), and generally we think raising one's voice to one another is disrespectful so we don't do it; we normally manage to just talk calmly and work things out. what saddens me is that we get along in so many aspects except the sex department and it makes me feel like our "romantic flame" has completely burnt out.

i've tried to re-ignite that flame, but nothing seems to work. From the large gestures of love to the little sweet "nothings", none of it seems to work. I've complimented her, told her how gorgeous she looks, even showing her how irresistible she is and how I have a hard time keeping my hands off her. sometimes she'll react and enjoy the moment for a bit and tease me back, but the spark is gone before we ever get around to having sex.

the only time in the last 3 yrs where our sex life was really great was about 2yrs ago when i met a new female friend who apparently became very interested in me. that lady friend was a tall, beautiful redhead, intelligent, with a successful career as a doctor, and apparently couldn't help herself from flirting with me. this some how got the wife's attention and we were having AVN award worthy sex several times a day! I didn't keep that friend around for obvious reasons. But then our sex life went back to the usual sad state it is in now. as much as I enjoyed the great sex while it lasted, in a way it reaffirms the feeling of being "taken for granted".

at this point, i'm not sure what i can do. i've been frustrated for so long now, i just feel numb. i often feel tempted to find my sexual gratification elsewhere, but then i realize i'm still in love with my wife, as frustrating as it is. and as much as we've talked about it in the past, i don't think either of us know what to do to improve the situation; we're out of ideas. sex just doesn't seem important to her and the lack of sex is draining my spirit and i feel like a 90 year old man.

i'm glad to hear that Fliteskates was able to improve their relationship. that's actually really good to hear. i really hope you guys continue to improve...

Welcome to the forums, Tog, thank you for being so open in your very first post. The first thing that popped into my head when I read through it was, I wonder if his wife is having hormonal issues and if she's talked to a doctor about her low libido.

If you haven't already, it might be worth looking into.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Hey bro, I feel your pain, believe me. It felt like I was reading my own story...

One thing to keep in mind, which I couldn't accept at first is this - you can only control how you act. You can't control her thoughts or feelings. You can't make her want you. Once I had that epiphany, things got so much better.

Feeling like you are being taken for granted is a tough pill to swallow... we are guys, but I think women don't understand we like to feel wanted as much as they do. So when your wife doesn't show any interest, it makes you feel like shit, right? Been there, felt the burn, the anger, the desire to go find someone else, etc. But I knew it wouldn't solve anything... and it won't.

It was funny, before we got married, how when other women would flirt with me and show an interest, that my wife (g/f at the time), would start becoming this aggressive sexpot for a couple of weeks. When I sat down awhile back to think about things, I realized this. Then thought WTF? She only seems to try when she realizes she could possibly lose me... it really felt like ya,I am being taken for granted and it is bullshit. I was pretty pissed off....

But then as I said, I had my epiphany and realized my actions were the only thing I could control. I had to get to the real root of the problem and like you I had "the talk" dozens of times... but I never asked the hard questions. When I finally did, that was the turning point.

Before I would ask a question such as, why don't you initate sex anymore hun? She would give me an answer, which didn't really make much sense, etc. Then I would be like oh.. and move onto another shallow question.

When we had our big talk, I asked that question, then I dug deeper and laid it all out on the table. "I feel like you don't want me anymore" "I need to feel like you want me" "When you initiate sex, it shows me you want me and want to have sex"

I said exactly what I was feeling and held nothing back.

You gotta get to the real root of the issues. Dig deep and try to find out what is causing her libido to be so low. It may be something the two of you can fix together. Perhaps you or she has gained some weight; maybe you aren't helping around the house enough; she could be in a depression, etc etc.

Don't be afraid to say what you are feeling, even if you think it could hurt her. Again, don't place all the blame on her, but you are going to have to open some wounds to figure out what the real problems are.

You need to talk to her about it. I suspect there is either an underlying relationship problem or she is feeling "overstreched" with her time.