I want anal (again), wife...Not so much.

I'm sure this is the 1,000,000th time this has been discussed



It's quite an in depth story..so here goes.

My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years now..Married for two...

Early on in the relationship, we had anal sex multiple times...She even admitted it was one of the best orgasms she has ever had during one of the sessions...

about 6 months into the relationship and after about 5 or 6 successful attempts and NO failures, we tried it in the shower...Bad idea...Water does not work for that.. So it was our first failure...

From that point, just prior to us getting engaged, I brought up anal from time to time...and she kept saying how the shower incident really scared her...I was sympathetic and said "take your time, and we will do it when you're ready".....Of course I made that statement under the assumption that she would be ready in a relatively short period of time (a few months at the most)....So...Just a few weeks before I was going to propose to her, anal was brought up and she expressed how she was open to it again, but she need more of a commitment from me...As I chuckled in my head saying to myself "well, I'm proposing shortly, so yay for me"....So I proposed...Waited a few months, brought it up again...she said no....

We then get married....On our honeymoon, I ask her if she's open to it midway through our honeymoon...she, reluctantly said yes....We tried...and failed...

That was almost 2 years ago....last night, after being as patient as I possibly could be...and after a long period of time in which we were just talking about her being ready at some point....Well..Last night just felt like the night....We were more passionate than we had been in a long time, I gave her a very long full body sensual massage to relax her...and then tried to warm up the area with a finger....And she said "OH, you wanted that tonight?"...I said, well yeah, it's been a long time and it felt right...She said, ok....I continued on...I could barely get my finder inside of her she was so tense.....

I kept kissing her and telling her that I would never hurt her and if she tried to relax and trust me that we could make it work......She finally told me to stop with the finger and "just do it already".....needless to say, it did not work....

We then of course had lengthy, heartfelt dialogue...in which she told me that she actually LIED to when she said she had the one of her best orgasms during a successful anal session.....in fact, after almost five years of hear being so proud of the fact that "she has NEVER faked it" with me....She admitted, she did fake it...She said she never liked it and did it to please me....

I feel like I was duped.....We have a great marriage a very open line of communication, a strong mutual physical and emotional attraction...However, she KNEW that anal is quite an important part of a sexual relationship to me...

She says she's worried that if she does not give me anal that I will go get it elsewhere or leave her...I assured her that I would never leave her over that..EVER...However, I did express that it is quite important to me as it relates to our sexual relationship...It's something that I desire on a very infrequent basis...

I really don't know what to do...I feel quite hurt, confused and at the same time, I am sympathetic to her feelings as well..even though she lied to me and I feel like our sexual relationship, in part, was based on a lie.....


What to do?

Your thoughts and comments would be greatly appreciated...

Though it was not the best idea for her to lie to you, her heart was in the right place, wanting to make you happy and all. I think you may just have to come to terms with the fact that she does not like anal and that she might not want it to be a part of your sexual repertoire. I feel as though she needs to explore herself anally to find out what she likes or does not like before entering in to actual penetration from a person. But, if she is never comfortable with it, she will always be too tense, she will get hurt, and won't want to do it even more. Leave the subject alone. She may or may not have a change of heart, but either way, she's your wife and needs your support.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

thanks for the reply....

I suggested starting with fingers, tiny toys etc....Without necessarily moving to actual penetration....just start with anal play and see where it moves from there...a few weeks or months of that and then slowly move up the ladder....She's just not really open to it..

Anal aside, she has really been somewhat of a cold fish/frigid most of the time...I know she has insecurity issues...but I give her tons of positive comments, gestures, looks etc...

She says she has a lot of issues from previous relationships in which she was treated like shit...My response to that was, well, I understand your position, but we've been together for five years and I don't think it's fair for me to be paying for the sins of others before me....

I can understand her apprehension, I'm also not into anal at all.

It hurts me, no matter how much I'm primed for it and I have had no enjoyable experience from it.
My theory is, why do something that not going to bring me enjoyment, only going to make me feel bad/tense/in pain when I don't have to. It's much like eating a curry dish thats far too hot for me. I get no enjoyment out of it, it only hurts me, so why eat it?

Tell me, would you allow her to put something up your bum? Are you into that?

I am not in to anal play coming my way at all...But in an effort to establish ...or better said, re establish trust in the bedroom, I would absolutely allow her to try fingers/small toys on me....

Perhaps start with something like that?

I wasn't up for trying anal play after my first experience. My ex pushed and pushed. Sensitively at first but he got very persistant which offput me even more. I asked him if he'd let me do it do him. He flat out refused. Why was it expected of me when he wasn't willing to do it? Because I had a hole already? And what difference was it really? (He didn't say that but I'm wondering whether this is perhaps a way some guys think.)

I'd say, anything you are requesting of her, be willing to do yourself. I think it would certainly give a higher level of trust from her and perhaps understanding from you in that area.

Good luck.

thanks much...

cheers.

I definitely agree with MZ on this one. You can't expect a person to do something that you are unwilling to do yourself. If she's not into it, you have to respect that, much like she respects the fact that you aren't into it. Anyway, as for being frigid in the bedroom, why not ask her if there is anything else going on with her that is causing her to be upset?

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

It's actually quite common early in a relationship for a women to agree to do things that she normally wouldn't want to do, and might find quite degrading and painful, solely to please her new man. I agree with Dreama that it was probably a very bad decision on her part to lie to you and say that she "loved" anal when apparently the complete opposite was true. Understand that she didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth.

Many women are taught to take whatever is given to them no matter how unpleasant it is with no complaints, in the knowledge that this is what he wants. We are taught that his needs and wants and feelings are far more important than our own. A sense of low self-esteem is established in us from the very beginning. And it sounds to me as if she's still trying to please you despite the fact that anal gives her absolutely no pleasure. She's still allowing you to try, even though the fact that she's too clenched up to allow penetration should tell you something about how incredibly unpleasant she finds it.

I know you're a considerate and loving partner and that you'd never want to do anything to deliberately hurt her, so I advise you to stop asking her for anal. Understand that she hates it but she will probably agree to do it anyway because she knows you like it. Resign yourself to the fact that she's just not into it, even though she did it before, and that you will probably never again have anal sex with your wife. There are plenty of other very pleasurable things you can do in the bedroom.

However, I feel that you've already planted the seed of resentment in your relationship, and before long she won't want to have sex with you at all because there will always be a chance that you'll want to "do that" again. If this is a deal breaker in your relationship then you might want to reconsider your decision to get married and find yourself a woman who is more capable of meeting your needs.

Also, I advise you to be a little more understanding of your wife's previous relationship baggage. Whether you like it or not, you will have to learn to deal with all of your wife's emotional details. You're a considerate lover, so I'm sure you already know how important your wife's feelings are. Your wife, the woman you love, is the sum of all the experiences she's had over her lifetime, and it's those experiences that have made her who she is today. If she was treated badly in previous relationships, then I'm afraid those problems are now your problems. You took them on willingly when you married her.

I know your upset but the fact that your wife was willing to try anal and fake it for so long shows how much she wants to try and please you sexually.
The best way is just a tiny bit at a time, use a finger for week, 2 fingers the next week etc. and just keep building up!!
Gud luck

Geez man, I feel sorry for you that anal sex means so much to you and that it is such a big deal to you. Be thankful that you are having sex - PERIOD!

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !