What makes a marriage last?

...Not just last (many people stay together "for the kids") - but remain exciting, with obvious love sparks still flying.
A younger member PM'd me with this question, after learning that Thorn & I have been married for over 28 years. I did a search & found NOTHING focused on this topic.

Soooooo, this is one of those threads that will be built upon. I suppose there are no right or wrong answers. Just good ideas, mixed with personal experiences (both good and bad ones ). Even if you've not been married since the creation of the wheel, I'm sure you've learned some positive lessons to share with some of the younger ones on here who sincerely want to make a go at a lasting, exciting, sensual (down-right 'kinky' ) relationship/marriage.

I'll put my $.02 in later.-gotta go to work

When I was a teenager, we didn't have MTV.
We had to take drugs and go to Rock Concerts!

1. Respect. I place respect and admiration above everything else, because without it there is no foundation for any kind of lasting relationship. Each partner must respect the other for who he/she is and show it.

2. Understanding. Each must be empathetic, considerate, accepting and sensitive to the other's feelings. Sometimes that's not easy when we're talking male/female with different upbringings, but without it there will be constant hurt feelings and resentment.

3. Lust and caring. Call it love if you want to. I think that's what most people who are "in love" feel. It's a nice combination and, combined with 1 and 2, it can lead to a rewarding and long-lasting relationship.

4. Pure Love. Yup -- way down here on the list. I don't think most young people even know what love can be. *shrugs* Unfortunately, I don't think most older people know either. My definition of pure love combines respect and understanding with lust and caring, but it's more. When everything your partner is and does makes you love them more, and it's a reciprocal feeling, you're home free. It's not easy, but it's possible.

I think you've made a brilliant post Joe.

The only thing I would add is the word Trust.

To me, absolute and total trust in one's partner is a fantastic thing to have and even if the other ingredients are all there, without trust a long lasting relationship will be difficult if not bound to fail at some point in time.

:humpb

I think #1 is comunication. Once you stop talking, everything goes downhill. You can't fix what you don't know is wrong.

Great addition Mystic! Absolutely bang on! I can see this topic developing nicely!

Just on communication, how many folks bottle things up rather than get it out in the open

My wife of 12 years used to do just that!

Over time I have taught her not to be afraid of talking, crying, expressing anger etc as long as she doesn't hit me

:humpb

Absolutely fantastic answers! I'd like to add a sense of humor, and a willingness to work at it. Its not always smooth sailing, and the "honeymoon" does end eventually. You have to realize that disagreements are part of it too, and can actually enhance your relationship, instead of tearing it apart. A sense of adventure helps too

Never married, but I would say that companionship is a small, yet important part of it. You have to be just as comfortable sitting next to each other reading a book as you do during the horizontal mambo.

A quote I really like is: "A girl won't fall for you if you're not there to catch her."

Just my 3.47 cents, accounting for inflation...

Great input Joe, Brad, Mystic, PunkKitty, and AnonymousOne!

Just last night we did the hot tub then came in to a warm fire in the den and just set on the sofa and talked. Before the hot tub we were thinking about making love afterwards. We were both so relaxed from the hot tub that we decided to skip the sex and just enjoy each others company and talk. So AnonymousOne is right about companionship and being comfortable together doing things other than sex.

I'd say that I agree with all of you... for any relationship, not just marraige. My man and i built our relationship on communication and trust, seeing as we met online we had to.... but now just spending time together is the thing that is best for our relationship.... our 'date' tonight is dinner... starting with grocery shopping and ending with dishes, everything side by side.... we used to do it all the time but as life got busy one of our simple pleasures went by the wayside

BiBiBaby

The dinner date at home is something we do at least once a week, candles nice wine, and sexy music. It is fantastic.

And perhaps my favourite all time dish for starters is my wife!

:humpb

I have several years of marriage behind me (nearing 40). I've been through it all, lies, infidelity and done the same myself. There is no right answer that you can take to the altar that will work for everyone. I think you have to learn to forgive most of all and try not to get bored.

I'm from the '60s and all the political turmoil and the Vietnam era. I recall a close friend of that time whose Vietnam experience was more "in the shit" than mine and almost drove him over the edge until he took it one day at a time and asked every morning for the world to "show me something new today". It's there, we often don't see it and get bored.

Most of all, you have to forgive. True love is "accepting someone in spite of themselves". Have you ever known someone like that? Have you ever been with someone, elevated them, learned the truth and still realized that in spite of all that, you still would rather be with them instead of someone who might never have or could make that mistake, but in spite of it all, they couldn't hold you like magnet? It took me about 10 years of marriage to learn that.

I went to meet the priest at the church where my wife chose to be married. Life made an atheist very early and he noted that I couldn't possibly be part of a lasting marriage. Nearly 40 years later, I'm still an atheist, still married.