Getting back together after a breakup.. she doesnt know about the cheating

I'll go against the grain and advise not to tell her about your affair, regardless of whether you plan to get together again or not. Statistically, almost half of long-term relationships (marriage or de-facto) see affairs from one or the other partner, and I'm confident that many of those affairs remain secrets.

If you tell her, it'll make her feel bad for no particular benefit to her or you. As you are obviously wrought with guilt, I recommend that with future relationships you try your utmost to remain faithful.

I agree with your last recommendation, M, but why keep the secret, live the lie? I am not criticizing, but don't you think honesty between lovers is best. Would you want your beautiful wife, whom you confess you love, to keep that secret from you? I am just interested in your thoughts and reasoning!

Actually, based on some of CbrMale's prior posts on this, I believe the answer is "yes". I think he'd rather not tell her nor have her tell him, and vice versa. CbrMale, please confirm!

BD

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For the reasons I posted. First, many have affairs and keep them secret. Second, what good would it achieve?

In relationships we all have our little secrets and lies, frustations and desires. We don't ever tell all, ever.

I know this from experience, that it is even possible to love two different people at the same time, and not have your love for either diminished by the presence of the other. Few will have such experiences in their lives, and I suspect that you may have to live it to understand it.

I am not so hypocritical as to not respect my wife's privacy, and her desire to keep secrets from me should she so do. Indeed, she comes from a culture where privacy in a relationship is valued, and she appreciates me giving her a lot of freedom in this regard. To some extent you have to experience her mysterious culture to understand it (and African-Americans aren't even close to being similar in culture).

Ok, I see. Thanks for the clarification. I am just different, and although I respect privacy,but I practice total honesty where my husband is concerned.

Well she found out in the end anyways, I didnt want to hurt her anymore than I did when breakin up with her. One of her friends actually uses this forum :S I'm pretty sure she hates my guts right now, which is understandable... still cant believe how bad i fucked things up :S

Next time don't cheat. Relationships are a whole lot less complicated when you're honest.

If that were true, I'd still be here.

This is a very interesting point of view. Different to mine but none the less very interesting

just explain to her the whole situation and find out what her intentions are as well as letting her know yours. communication is key

Any further advice is probably moot at this point. The OP's girlfriend has already found out about the cheating.

To the OP, I hoped you've learned your lesson. Just think about how you would feel if your situation was reversed and it was you on the receiving end of the cheating. It doesn't feel very damn good, I can tell you.

Anyway, good luck. Try to get at least something positive out of this situation.