Regarding Open Relationships

I recently shared with a friend that my wife and I have an open relationship. He had trouble grasping how or why we chose this lifestyle. This conversation came about when I shared with him that I was planning a rendezvous with a woman we both know. His response was “Be careful, you don’t want to get caught.” He assumed that I was being adulterous, but didn’t seem to object. When I told him I had shared this with my wife and that she had encouraged me to pursue this other woman, he was shocked.

My question to the group is this. Is it more acceptable to be a cheater that a swinger?

Caution: Swinging causes confidence.

It is more acceptable to be a swinger, and be open with your spouse about your extramarital shenanigans. This way rules are set, agreements are made, and emotions are handled differently, and there is no deceit. As long as both married partners agree on the rules and are fair and honest, no one gets hurt. It is no one else's business what married people agree to do sexually, inside or outside the marriage. Congrats. You show great love and intimacy in your marriage.....

My opinion is, it is more acceptable to be a swing, I would think then a cheater. In my opinion and mind you this is only my opinion, when a couple is married or in a serious relationship, and it is not an open one, the marriage will not last, nor a relatioship. My personal thing is though when I am in a relationship I am commited, having an open marriage or relationship isnt for me, but I dont judge people who have them or who swing. Although I have in the past had FFM, along with MMF, with my ex and it was amazing but it was built on years of trust and honesty. I know couples who have and their relationship survived.
As long as you both are happy, have trust etc... in your relationship and she accepts it and you accept if she does then who honestly cares what someone else thinks. Cheating in my book is far far worse, cheating is lying and deception.
Best of Luck!!

*Life is too short to regret anything*
Sticks and Stones may break my bones, but Whips and Chains excite me!!

Personally, I think cheating is far worse than swinging, but I wouldn't be surprised if certain people actually felt the opposite.

I think some people feel that the rules of a monogamous marriage establish a kind of "protocol" that creates a system and structure to our lives, and that it is better for us to have that protocol, even if it is sometimes broken, then to not have one at all.

For example...As flawed as our legal/criminal justice system is, I think most people feel that it is better to have that system of laws, regulations, rules, etc, than to not have it, even if they are the ones who are being punished by it. They think: "Sure, it sucks when I get a ticket for speeding, but it's a necessary pain of society, and I think it would be far more disastrous to live in a society with no traffic laws at all."

I could easily see how people would feel this way about cheating: "Sure, monogamous marriage isn't a flawless system. People cheat on each other and that really hurts. But what's the alternative? Living in a society without marriage, where everyone just sleeps with everyone? A kind of sexual anarchy? I'd rather have a world with strict rules about monogamous relationships that get broken every once in a while, than live in a world with no rules at all."

For this reason, there are some people who actually find open relationships more offensive than adultery. Not me, but I know some people do. Even though I am a very monogamous person by nature, I think it's a matter of personality. Some people are more monogamous in nature and some people need a more open relationship. It's not a moral thing, it's just a difference in lifestyle preferences.

I like watching the waves move through your body

I would guess that open marriages are pretty uncommon, and that swinging happens far less than does cheating. That's just based on my own personal observations, so I might be wrong. I can't think of anyone I've personally known who was in an "open" marriage, but I've known several who cheated in their marriages. In some ways that might make cheating seem more "acceptable," simply because we see it more often in our society.

Swinging is far more acceptable. Cheating is lying. When you swing, you are being honest. Plus, you're including everyone in the decision.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Morgan I think you've hit upon what I experienced. To my friend it seemed understandable, if not totally allowable, that I could sneak around behind my wife's back, but the idea that she would be ok, even encouraging, about it shocked him. How could a couple so much in love (we really are ) be ok with sharing their partner. That flies in the face of all that he's accustomed to.

I'm inclined to argue that my wife and I are monogamous, though we can't really meet the definition, obviously. I suppose we'll just use terms like Faithful or Loyal. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Caution: Swinging causes confidence.

If I may play Devil's Advocate for a bit...

It would seem to me that many people see marriage and the idea of marriage as a union of two people. Opening up the relationships for other people is an inherent betrayal of that union. This idea then puts these people in the position that Cheating may not be as bad as swinging since with cheating, only ONE person in the union is breaking that union, while in swinging, both partners (either by action or permission) are breaking that union.

I don't agree with the "Devil's Advocate" position. I see swinging as far more acceptable than cheating because I value honesty.

Suite makes a good point. Part of being in love can be sharing very intimate experiences with your spouse. These extramarital experiences can deepen trust, encourage open, honest communication, and foster more closeness than some couples ever experience.

The definition of monagamy is: marriage with only one person at a time. Collaboratively going outside your marriage for sex is not being married to another person, therefore he and his wife are monagamous. I believe that sex is a sacred and special act that should be reserved for two people who care deeply for each other. Alternately, if that couple extends that relationship outside the confines of their bedroom, knowingly, they are still sharing a sexual relationship. Cheating, hell no. I love my husband too much for that, as do Suite and his wife.

Clearly you are correct Dreama, but does society at large share this view? As Joe said, cheating is so pervasive that it is considered normal, a hazard in the minefield of relationships.
Is non-monogamy so foreign a concept that it is looked upon with disdain? As something for other people but not for loving couples?

My views are set. I disagree with much of what is considered "acceptable" by society. My wife and I are not secretive about our choices, but we don’t share them with the PTA either. I'm sure that if I posted this in another, more conservative forum the responses would perhaps be less supportive. Right?

Caution: Swinging causes confidence.

Oh, so you see opening up a marriage for other people as wrong then? You see open marriage/swinging as more acceptable as cheating, but you don't agree with it?

Swinger/open relationship is OK if that's what works for you as a couple. In my not-so-humble opinion, cheating is not acceptable. It involves deceit and damages trust...long-term relationships are built on trust, among other things. I've been in situations where I could have easily cheated on my wife...I chose not to because the last thing I'd ever want to do is damage her trust in me. And she makes the same choices for me.

Now, that said, I don't usually judge other people for what they do. If it's not your life, then you don't know all the details, ya know? I "stole" my wife away from her boyfriend when we first met...it was an aweful relationship for her, and I did not feel any guilt in taking her away from him. (And even if we hadn't ended up together long-term, I'd have still felt like I was actually doing a good thing for her, to be honest...getting her away from an abusive relationship. Of course, I wasn't exactly a hero in this...I had selfish motivations, I wanted her for myself!) He snooze, he lose...if you're with someone good and you don't treat them right, someone else will always be more than happy to take them off your hands. That's the way human beings are.

Now, a few years ago the Lead pastor of our church had an affair with the music pastor's wife. THAT was just SO wrong in my mind. Hello...couldn't you pick someone else to fuck? Did you (someone supposed to be a role model for many people) just HAVE to pick the music pastor's wife (someone else supposed to be a role model for many people) to fuck? Jeez. Of course, maybe they were role models for everyone. Maybe it was a very clear message that we are all human and make mistakes and bad choices sometimes. I dunno.

Now, the one exception to deceiving your partner that I would think is allowable is if your partner has specifically told you "if you ever cheat, do not tell me and do not let me find out about it". In that case, I still don't feel like it's OK to cheat...but if that's what you've agreed to, then you should respect your partner's wishes to NOT know, I think.

BD

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Flirty you're one smart Chick! *muah*

Caution: Swinging causes confidence.

No No. Apparently I didn't make that clear enough. I see swinging as completely okay because one of the greatest things in a relationship is trust and not violating that trust is crucial. As long as both parties are okay with it, have at it!

I think cheating is cowardly. You don't have the guts to split with someone or be honest, but you're willing to violate that trust to get what you want anyway.

I don't know. It's really how you define your own personal marriage isn't it, and your perception regarding what being faithful means? In my mind, you're still faithful to your mate if you open up your relationship, because everyone is in cool with it, and accepts it. If I love my partner, and don't go behind that person's back, I'm still being faithful (which, is being true to one's word, which you would be if you were swinging), the way I see it.How could you break a union if you were still being faithful, and were still together?

Shine on, you crazy diamond.