getting boyfriend to open up towards learning about sex

Hi there,

My situation is like this. I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. We love each other very much. He was my first and I was his first but our sex life is problematic. The first attempts were a failure because he was so nervous that he couldn't maintain an erection. I always told him not to worry that we both have a lot to learn and plenty of time to do it, and I meant it.

I figured out early on that he doesn't know anything about female anatomy so I tried to tell him a bit about how different we are to men but he got so embarrassed I gave up. I tried to get him to read together info on the net, but again, I got the feeling he just wasn't interested and I gave up.

The times when we managed to do it, it seemed everything was going wrong -- we couldn't get into the same rhythm and it was such hard work that sometimes he gave up. He takes a long time to come. The last year the attempts have been far and few in between.

I think the idea of failure scares him and the more time passes in between times, the more nervous he gets, which doesn't help. And I'm scared for him. Every time afterwards he asks almost in a whisper how it was for me. Basically he just goes in and hopes for the best. I try telling him we shouldn't focus on the end goal -- orgasm -- and just enjoy the experience but I don't think I'm getting through to him.

As for me, I tried masturbating a few times before him but never with any success and then about a year ago I got myself a vibrator which he knows about, not that he seemed that pleased about it but he seemed to understand my need to learn about my own body.

I can now orgasm with it and in the shower (although it takes a long time) which for me is a breakthrough and I told him so. He seems mortified that I masturbate. He knows I once thought something was wrong with me because I couldn't orgasm.

The thing is, I never tried to put pressure on myself to come during intercourse because I know I have so much more to learn about my body and it will all come in due time. I just try to enjoy the experience but it's difficult when I know how easily his ego is bruised.

My boyfriend is such a contrast. He puts so much pressure on himself and yet doesn't take initiative to learn about the human body, either his or mine and I don't understand why. I don't know what's going on in his head. He should at least want to learn about his own body if not about mine, shouldn't he? I just don't understand.

I read a lot about male and female sexuality in order to better understand ourselves. He doesn't masturbate and gets easily embarrassed by anything sexual. I know he has a complex about losing his virginity at 24. His father mocked him about it endlessly, I believe.

If I could just help him open up towards talking and learning about sex, getting over his inhibitions (I'm embarassed to talk about it too but I make the effort), I think it would be easier to read and learn about it together instead of sticking our heads in the sand and hope for the best.

I'd like him to masturbate, to think of himself as a sexual being, to be interested in new things, to be eager to learn about the male and female body. How do I do that? Could this really be the start to solving our problems? Am I going about this all wrong?

I found some great articles on female sexuality that would help him understand a lot more (I know they helped me) but I just get a feeling he's not interested so I never brought them up. Or maybe he is but he's just too embarrassed?

Another concern of mine is: what if I can never come without a vibrator? will he ever understand that it's not him and my orgasm is my own? will he ever be able to accept that? if I give him the vibrator and the complete control to use it on me, will he be able to do it, will he even want to? will he ever understand it's just a tool and not a replacement? God, I'm embarrassed to even contemplate this scenario.

I'd like us to have a slow foreplay session where we could just spend time learning about our likes and dislikes without the pressure of intercourse. We would just spend time finding our erogenous zones and enjoying ourselves. Good or bad idea?

I'm sure some of you will say it takes time and just use every occasion to learn about each other. I'm just afraid that any foreplay will lead to intercourse which will make him feel inadequate in the end. Plus, I feel it's necessary to also be educated about the human body and sexuality, practice is not enough on its own.

Please help, I don't know what to do.

Thanks

Whoa! Very well put post (lots of background info etc, makes it much easier to answer as we know where you stand..)

I think you are on the right track and you seem to have some very good ideas:
Absolutely brilliant idea in my opinion. This is quite like what I would encourage everyone new to sex to do.

You have clearly taken a lot of effort to solve this puzzle. I know it can be hard on him, but you should try talk with him about all of this. As first step you could also give/link him some of the material you've gone trough, so he can become familiar with it on his own time. It might be easier and less embarrassing for him.. But eventually, you'll need discuss these matters face to face. The most important task would be to make him familiar with his own sexuality.

You really have a lot of wise thoughts on your own, but the others will hopefully have some ideas how to adapt the theories to the action

Love, Trust and Communication -> Good relationship with lots of fantastic sex ^^

You ARE on the right track. I do sense that you are feeling a bit frustrated at this point, too.

I emboldened the part about foreplay. Try this: Set aside a 'date night' where you agree to only participate in foreplay (petting, stroking, exploring, etc.). Have one rule: NO intercourse! Perhaps that will take the pressure off of 'performance', and make everyone more relaxed. If it works (in that you both learn a bit about each other's bodies and can actually share what you both liked or didn't particularly care for), you could have oine of those nights every week or so. I'd probably leave out the vibrator at first, as this would detract from him learning to stimulate your body himself.

When I was a teenager, we didn't have MTV.
We had to take drugs and go to Rock Concerts!

Thanks. I think this 'foreplay' session should be made as fun as possible without coming across as a lesson but I'm not sure how to bring it up. 'Look, let's just kiss and touch and discover ourselves without intercourse?'.

Should we take turns? Meaning I discover his hot spots first and then him mine (when you're inexperienced it's hard to concentrate on yourself and the other person). How do I tell him that I want him to take it slow to discover my hot spots? I already know many of his but he just goes for what he thinks is obvious and that's it.

Case in point. He goes right for my breasts to suck them. I find that quite painful because he doesn't gradually increase pressure, he's too harsh from the start. He has no concept of teasing. His nipples are very sensitive and I know how to nibble, kiss, tease and suck them in a way that he loves. You'd think he'd learn from that that that's what I'd like too! How much more obvious can I be?

And if we get so excited we do end up having intercourse? Afterwards he might still feel inadequate and what happens then to what we learned earlier?

Yes, I am frustrated but not because of lack of satisfaction... more because I hate problems I can't solve and I feel it's up to me to get the ball rolling. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, and by doing all of this I take away from him feeling as the one with the pants in this relationship.

I don't want that, I'd like him to be more dominant and take initiative, Aehm...I have many fantasies with him taking charge... but I think I'd wait endlessly if I don't give us a push in the right direction NOW.

I've never suggested to bring it in bed because I'm afraid of his reaction. I'd find it very arousing to pass control of it over to him and I feel this could also prevent his feeling of being 'replaced', it would just become another instrument in his arsenal like his tongue or fingers... I hope.

Bringing the vibrator in bed, though, should be arousing to him as well, what would be the point to make him uncomfortable at the expense of my pleasure?

I feel as though you're doing what you should be doing. You're a smart, mature woman, and he still seems to be a child. The fact that he doesn't approve of you masturbating is a big red flag, to me...Sees toys as replacement boyfriends, more than aids...And that he doesn't masturbate himself. That's crazy, if you're certain it's true (the other option, him lying about doing it is equally disconcerting)! I am surprised that he buys into the whole 'masturbating is dirty' thing (I mean, what other reason is there for not doing it??). I don't think he'll learn anything much about what you like until he starts exploring himself...I get the feeling you know that bit already, though.

Now, if it were me, I don't think I could stay in a relationship where a person wasn't willing to help themselves. If you put yourself out there, always initiating things, always encouraging, and helping, and he doesn't do anything, I could foresee that being tiring. I know that's not what you wish to hear, but it's the only advice I can give you. If that isn't an option for you, I say, keep doing what you're doing. You're very intelligent, and you're really on the right track as far as discovering sexuality. Maybe you could both take a Human Sexuality class together. My hubby and I did last semester, and it was pretty neat.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

I think I can encourage him to explore himself with me around, I have a few ideas about that like helping him to begin with and then letting him continue on his own, telling him how I love looking at him like that. The trouble is we live in a country that's very conservative and very religious. Most people are not open about things sexual and I.... I'm an exception to the rule, thanks partly to the fact that I've traveled extensively to Western Europe over the last 8 years.

We have had a discussion after sex a couple of weeks ago (after a long dry spell) and I told him that nothing would change if we don't make an effort to learn. Afterwards, there were 2 more occasions when he visibly more relaxed, so that was an improvement.

I also wondered once or twice if he might be gay without him realizing it because there are sides to him that are more.... feminine but that doesn't mean anything, we all have male and feminine sides to us. Plus, he's really narrow minded about homosexuality and rejects it completely (yes, I know, I try to get him more open-minded).

As for therapy, he already goes to a therapist about problems at home from his childhood (hid father verbally abused him since he was very young) but I'm fairly sure he doesn't talk about his sexuality during sessions and I'm fairly sure there was no sexual abuse in his past although his father mocked him endlessly about his inexperience with women.

Yes, he's damaged, I know that, but the other sides of him that make him the best life partner I could ask for don't let me give up that easily. Plus, I love him.

Oh one thing I should mention. I can see when he wants sex but he's so subtle about it, almost afraid. But his libido is raging in the mornings when I, unfortunately, am too sleepy.

Wow, it is amazing to me that a man has never masterbated. Most guys have since they were 12-15 years old, and as for me still do on occassion. IMO you are doing everything right and definitely have the right attitude towards sex.
The foreplay only session sounds like a good idea, if you can pull it off.
I don't think I would get out of the relationship, as Dreama suggested, just yet. Two years into a relationship is a lot of caring and other things beyond the sex, but you do have to think down the road a bit. If things don't change to your satisfaction, after trying everything you can and trying the advise from us on the forum, then by all means it will be time to move on.
Read some of the other threads that have had the same theme (guys not really into sex as much as their partners) and see what you can get out of them.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything comes out OK. Keep us posted on new developments. We're always ready for an exciting bedroom, living room, kitchen, or anywhere else story.

When a woman wants a man and lusts after him, the lover need not bother to conjure up opportunities, for she will find more in an hour than we men could think of in a century.

The strict religious beliefs and the verbal abuse from father may be difficult obstacles to overcome.

This may really stupid but why don't both of you read some of the stories in the erotic literature section.

If you read it together it could fuel the fire and give some ideas.

Welcome to High School!!!!

Maybe when you are sleepy, or even asleep altogether, you are less threatening to him! Sometimes agreeing not to have sex on certain days or situations, can help a shy guy get out of himself!

For example, say, "let's not have sex tonight, but I do want a full body, totally nude, body massage with oil, and on both sides!"

Or say, I don't want to have sex tonight, but do let me suck your dick while you watch a movie! Something like that!

South American

Wow! Where were you when I was single! Need me to come there for some training?

You have the right idea. It sounds like he's got lots of inhibitions...you need to get him to loosen up and be a man-slut! His dad berating him probably destroyed a lot of his confidence, ya know? If you can build his confidence up, you might unleash a pent-up sexual monster!

Get some of the stories in the erotic literature section and read them with him. Find some porn on YouPorn.com or similar (or buy/rent some movies) and watch it together start masturbating him and then hand things over to him. Write some erotic stories and fantasize together and/or do some role-playing games. Get him to tell you about any and all sexual fantasies he has, and tease him about making them come true (or make some of them come true, if that's acceptable to you.) Take him to a strip bar and buy him a bunch of lap-dances (actually buy some for yourself too...you might enjoy it as well! Tell the stripper to get him off if she can, while you watch or play too.) Get him to tell you about women he thinks are hot (celebrities, women you both know, whatever!), then tie him up, blindfold him, climb on top of him and pretend you're that woman.

In a nutshell, it sounds like what you've got to do is make him feel like any erotic thought he has is a most sexcellent thing, not something to be buried and hidden...he should let it out and unleash it on you!

True story: my wife and I have always had a good sex life, but over the past couple years we have really heated it up! It all started with me getting her some good toys...she indicated there were some she wanted to try, and she discovered she liked them. The next notch came from her suggesting to me multiple times that I should go to a strip bar with some of the guys (we had a trust issue about 6 months before, and she wanted to demonstrate to me that she trusts me). I finally went on a business trip, ended up at a strip bar with some co-workers, got a little tipsy, and ended up getting totally nude lap dances from two hot young women at the same time. My wife asked about it the next day, and I reluctantly told her (figuring she would be a little pissed). She kept asking for more details, so I just spilled the lovely details of the whole erotic adventure to her over chat. She called me about two hours later on the phone and said something to the effect of "I'm dripping wet from thinking about two totally naked women grinding on you...I'm going to fuck your brains out when you get home." And she's been fucking my brains out since then. And vice versa. It's been all uphill from then, with both of us letting go of unnecessary inhibitions, trying new things, fantasizing about anything you can imagine, sharing all sorts of erotic thoughts with each other (often about other people), encouraging each other to flirt/tease/enjoy erotic chat/etc other people...it seems like the more we just let go, the better it gets. I'm firmly convinced that dropping ALL sexual inhibitions is one of the best things you can possibly do for your sex life. You do have to trust each other, know how to handle your own and each other's jealousies if/when any erupt, and learn how to encourage each other without actually pressuring each other. We've gotten to the point that we actually acknowledge when we are infatuated with someone else, and even encourage each other to just enjoy the infatuations and flirtations. I just can't tell you how cool it is to have my wife invite some hot little waitress or other cutie to come have drinks with us, etc. And I'm sure she feels the same way when I deliver an "assist" to her. (Or I sure hope it does!)

I guess for me, I had to know that it is OK for me to open up (I won't be criticized, I won't be distrusted, it won't be used as an "emotional weapon" in anger, etc.), and I've made sure to give my wife the same message. It's not only OK, being open, honest, and freaky/kinky is encouraged for and by both of us. It's definitely worth the effort IMO.

HTH!
BD

Look for Wicked Truth's release "Into You" on iTunes, Rhapsody, Amazon, Napster, and eMusic.

JuicyB and BassDude, these are some very good suggestions but I'll have to take it gradually with the least 'outrageous' ones first or he'll freak out. Thanks

Sinclair Institute markets a "Better Sex" video series that's actually quite good. You could get a few of those, watch them together, stop the video when you'd like to discuss how you each feel about a subject, then continue the watching. My late wife and I watched several of them and got to know each other's preferences quite well. We got lots of good ideas from them as well.

I think BassDude is suggesting sprinting before he can walk! I understand the morning thing, because this is when the key sex-drive hormone, testosterone, is at its peak.

I had a similar problem with my wife, and I understand how draining it can be to constantly lead a partner through sex. It turns something pleasurable into sheer hard work, and unless resolved dysfunctional sex can be a relationship breaker. I got my wife to open up sexually by watching some Sinclair Institute videos (as they were then), which opened her eyes to what normal couples do during sex.

I hired the videos and we watched them together, and she changed quite quickly. She became sexually confident and a very good lover within the space of a few weeks. This may work for you and your boyfriend, I hope it does, because I know the pain of loving someone deeply but also feeling sexually frustrated with that person at the same time.

It seems to me that he has some hangups about sex that are derived from his upbringing and the attitude of his father. Why don't you try a romantic approach? Do you live together, or do you each have your own place? Set the mood. Get home before him, make a wonderful dinner with candles, nice wine if you drink, etc. Put some sexy music on, and dress provocatively, but demurely. Eat dinner, talk, feed him a few bites. Move to the sofa and sit close. Seduce him tenderly. Make him feel like he is the only man for you. Take charge, softly, and give him a night he will never forget. Undress him, kiss him all over, rub him all over, give him a mind-bending blow job. He should be so hot for you that he throws aside all inhibitions and throws you down and bangs your brains out. Just my 2 cents. Hope it works!!!!