Good enough to fuck, but not good enough to date

Explain this for me please. Long story short, almost all of my relationships for the past 5 years have followed this routine:

We meet
We fuck
We fuck some more
She gets engaged to her former boyfriend, but fucks me again/tells me that she's married
She comes back for more

What am I doing wrong!!?

You keep having meaningless sex with them without developing an emotional connection. Or maybe your involved with the wrong type of women.

Shine on, you crazy diamond.

Or both?

It sounds like you WANT a real relationship, not just something based on sex. Try to leave the sex out of it for a few dates, see what happens.

And don't screw her after she's married to someone else.

how about try to get to know each other before getting on bed. I know that could be boring but if you are serious...you gotta do it!

I've done the entire dating thing. Dinners for two, nights out at the club, football games, etc. On a few occasions, months had passed before we would do more than kiss. But we get intimate, enjoy a few months of good sex, then the calls stop coming. A month or two later, I'd start hearing about so-and-so's upcoming wedding. And when I'd man up enough for the inevitable confrontation, I'd be greeted with offers of more sex. When I traveled to Germany, the opposite would occur. For my last two years in country, I was the "schwartze auf tag" for too many swinging couples to count. Sometimes, I wouldn't even be able to leave my hotel room for interested women. On one extreme occasion, I was woken up (with a knock on the door) by the desk clerk at 0400.

It was fun, I won't even pretend to deny, but I'm getting a bit old. And I've stood by as almost every woman who I've tried to start a relationship with has moved on to someone else, or introduced me to her husband, or flat out hit on me in front of her husband. I want to be a husband, but I don't want to be one of those guys who ends up with the wife from hell. Sometimes, I feel like Good Luck Chuck.

You know what? There's a reason why you're attracting these women...if some profound introspection fails to turn up a rational explanation, I would not hesitate to enlist the assistance of a professional counselor. When you can pinpoint a pattern, you have to look for the common denominator, and that common denominator would be you. There's something about you that's reeling in this particular type of woman. There's too much similarity in your relationship history to suggest that anything like coincidence is responsible.

Good luck to you on solving this mystery.

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The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

To be perfectly honest, I've been told that I'm good in bed. I've been told that I'm a great conversationalist. I've been complimented on my "outdated" sense of chivalry. I'm not the prettiest man, but I'm handsome enough, I'm 6 feet tall and average sized, no pot belly or anything. I always call back, I pay my way and hers and I even remember birthdays and the like. However, it doesn't translate into that "He's a keeper." vibe. And that's the reason for my conclusion. I can reel them even (and in Germany, I was exotic enough to avoid making the effort), I can maintain a relationship, but I can't actually hook my catch. It seems like I can't manage to hold onto a good woman.

I'm also a widower, if that's something that needs to be accounted for, but I try my best to avoid being maudlin about it, so I don't think that's a real concern.

But they aren't really "good women", are they...? Good women don't screw around on their husbands, and you seem to have a knack for attracting the ones with an adulterous streak. I don't doubt that you have a set of fine, attractive qualities, sweetie. I'm sure you do. But there is something going on here that isn't readily discernible. People sometimes unconsciously sabotage relationships, or they unconsciously choose the wrong potential mates...and perhaps the fact that you're a widower plays into this somehow. Maybe there's a deep-seated fear of losing someone you dearly love, and that fear has been covertly running the show, guiding your dating behavior...I certainly don't know you nearly well enough to make that judgment call, but it could be something to explore in-depth with a professional. I know it sounds very esoteric, hoo-doo voo-doo-ey, but every one of us has two minds, the mind we think with that directly influences our behavior, and the mind that does its thinking outside of our conscious awareness, that indirectly influences our behavior. Therapists get paid to talk to your unconscious mind and unlock its secrets. I guarantee you that you do not know how to talk to your unconscious mind. People think they know their own minds, well, we only know about half of what goes on up there at any given moment. There's nothing shameful about consulting an expert in this area. If your car had a habit of spontaneously running off the road and stalling every time you neared your desired destination, you'd most likely take it to a mechanic rather than tear it apart and try to figure things out via guesswork. Therapists are mechanics of the psyche. You need to find out why you keep running off the road and stalling.

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The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

I've swung in the past, and I made sure to receive permission from both parties before I got involved with married women. The "adultery" thing is not my issue. I'm baffled at my "unloveability". I'm not getting dumped for blabbing about wanting a "hotwife", or bringing up any sort of extreme activity. And, AFAIK, I'm not the freakiest person on the planet, nor am I picking women from one walk of life (clubbers/barflies, for example, or college freshman). Germany aside, I've dated women from all walks of life. Maybe, I'm just a bit too experienced? I've read threads on this board, usually started by guys who've entered into relationships with more-experienced women. Sometimes, I wonder if I need to ration things out.

Oh! I'm sorry...I think I misunderstood the situation with your previous girlfriends. I thought they were propositioning you without their fiance/husband's consent or knowledge. Ok, I guess that changes things a bit.

I don't know if "rationing" will help, but it's certainly better to experiment with different solutions than continue doing the same old stuff that inevitably leads to the same old result, yeah? I can see where you're going with this, but the question that arises is, Is it a grasping-at-straws solution that is more palatable to your mind than a different, possibly less palatable, but more helpful solution...? That's strictly a rhetorical question. One way or another, I hope you figure things out.

*Learn About STIs/STDs* *STD Fact Sheets*

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

Getting loads of free sex is every man's dream! You must really have something going for you!

South American

Milbury, I have no way of knowing what's going on with you, but I'll tell you of someone I knew that had similar luck with women and friends. If you see any of yourself in here, maybe it'll give you something to ponder. If you don't, well, it'll do me good to write about it, since it still weighs heavily on me.

I had a friend who was an extremely interesting person and could converse intelligently with anyone about anything. He came from a traditional picket fence family; three brothers all with 150 plus IQs, and all of whom have destroyed their lives in one way or another. However at your age, 29, their lives were bright.

My friend had a great sense of humor, lots of money and was very generous to boot. Retired at 45, he was not extravagant, but took meticulous care of the possessions that he did have. People wanted to be his friend, and he always had a girlfriend and eventually a wife, to all of which, he was unerringly faithful. He drove them all away, including me, his best friend since we were teenagers. I doubt if he ever told any of his lovers that he loved them. When we discussed one painful breakup, all he could say was, "Well I bought her a Volvo."

He was enigmatic to a fault, he just loved being mysterious, but it became annoying after a while to most people. I had known him for so long, that I knew he wasn't hiding any atom bombs in the closet, but he continued to be that way even with me, for no reason. The forced distance scared people off. He would sneak when the reality is, he wasn't doing anything wrong, he just liked to sneak (and he wasn't even good at it). And he would lie even when he had nothing to hide. I guess you could say that he only allowed superficial access into his life. He must've felt safe that way, from what, I've never figured out.

Oh, well, that was a downer, but this guy had some character flaws that have prevented him from ever establishing a permanent relationship. Just food for thought. I'm sure you're not half as fucked up as this guy.

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From what I have read I am afraid that it might be all your doing mate. Maybe some issues stemming from being a widower at a young age.

I think that if you really want to find a soul mate you have to dramatically change yourself and stop asking why women just want to fuck you, start asking why, contrary to your inner desire, you only want to fuck them...

I think that is really the problem, I think it is you that might be scared of commitment and you seek out the type of women that are probably not going to offer it to you.

Seeing as I don't know you, I could be full of shit, but that is the vibe that I get from your posts...Sorry if I am way out.

What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through The Fire. Bukowski

Food for thought. I'm not the most forthcoming person with my emotions. Maybe, I am driving people away, but it's hard to trust people. I've been used so many times, by family and friends, so it's not easy to open up. I joined this site to get different opinions, and I've already been given food for thought.

I'm not above receiving or giving constructive criticism. To be honest, I'm not even looking for a soul mate. I just want a mate. I mean, female partner. I know what "mate" means to the British and Australians.