Advice needed - my wife thinks having me lick my cum off her is gay!

Well Bluesy, I could not agree more with just about everything, although I would like to expand on something. Not everyone reacts to the same ill upbringing in the same way. Take physical (but not sexual) child abuse. There's a shockingly high percentage of kids who grow up to repeat the very same abuse they hated. Some however, do resist the dreadful urge to return to their subconscious comfort zone and walk 180 degrees in the other direction. Even more interesting, my wife lies in both camps in the following way:

She was abused (but not sexually) by her dad and went without any protection from her mom ("look what you made your dad do!). Very sad. As a mother herself, she has not once raised a hand to our kids and the thought of doing so would make her throw up. Conversely, she was also emotionally abused however, and this in fact, is something she struggles with repeating on a VERY VERY low level every day. She learned that all good people will turn on her so forcing a fight is less scary then waiting to be surprised by one. Quite common. More to our original point, she had her boundaries crossed by her parents every day. She's 40 and her parents still cross our boundaries. They're very insecure and it's a way for them to prove to themselves they're still worthy of controlling others. Sweet :-)

My point is that my wife is now constantly in fear that her boundaries will again be crossed and her loved ones will betray her. On this alone, I should put absolutely ZERO pressure on her to do anything she's not 100% on board with. That is actually an overly simplistic reaction and not completly in her best interest. (for her, not everyone, I know). Here's why; She's well aware that many of her boundaries and the fears that go with them are left over remnants of a time when she truly needed to protect herself. She now relies on her common sense, a good therapist and her husband to help her separate what boundaries and fears are still just and what she should try and work though to help her enjoy a more fulfilling and honest life. It just NEEDS to be done with love, without judgment and at a VERY slow speed. You also need to know when to completly back off and always discus things openly all the time.

I can tell you it can be a fine line and one that can backfire from time to time but over the long haul, she's definitely making progress that she's proud of. She's come a long way and feels a lot better about herself then she used to. I'm proud of her too.

p.s. What's with the spamers on here the last few days? I wish I belived in hell so I could imagine a special place for spammers there

You are a good man sgman

When a woman wants a man and lusts after him, the lover need not bother to conjure up opportunities, for she will find more in an hour than we men could think of in a century.

Ah, and now we come full circle. Brace yourself, SG, there's a hard ass reality check coming your way.

No matter how irrational or self-defeating you believe her sexual limits to be, it is still her mind, it is her body, and she has a right to self-ownership of those opinions and that body. I wonder why you think your sexual ideology is better than hers, anyway. Why do your opinions have more value than hers?

Will you try to change her political affiliation next because you disagree with it? Her religion? Her choice of breakfast cereal? Because you think she ought to vote the same way you do, believe in the same things you do, like the same cereals you do? Where does it stop, hon? Why not try to change every aspect of her personality, her preferences and hobbies, vocation and favorite color, until she more closely resembles your Ideal Wife? Because that's precisely what you're trying to do to her sexuality...you're trying to mold her into your Ideal Lover. If you truly respect her right to be an individual, even in the bedroom, you'll let her figure these things out for herself, you'll give her room to set her own limits.

Now let's talk about her therapy. It is a therapist's job--an objective source--to help a client identify needs and fears, and assist them in dealing with needs/fears/etc. constructively, in a way that respects the client's belief and value systems. There is not a therapist alive who will tell you that it is acceptable for a spouse to assume this role. And for darn good reason.

You are not her sex therapist...you do not have the right to "assess" her needs, develop a treatment plan, and work with her to overcome those "self-limiting inhibitions" that are hindering your ability to have the sort of sex life you want. All I see in your post is justification for using manipulative means to achieve a selfish goal. And the end never justifies the means...never. I was pressured into having sex for the first time. I was pressured into performing my first blow-job. So I love sexual intercourse and BJs now, the point is, I wasn't ready at that time. If only I knew then what I know now, you know?

Point is...you are taking advantage of a woman who has poor boundary control (according to you). But if you're Ok with that...

*Learn About STIs/STDs* *STD Fact Sheets*

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

Yes...full circle indeed Bluesy, except the the only one in dire need of a reality check is you.

"Reality", as you claim, is the last thing "coming my way" (as you put it). What you did send my way however was a serious dose of misguided heavy-handed judgment based on more of your preconceived notions AND some extremely bizarre, RUDE and most importantly, BASELESS accusations.

I REALLY have enjoyed many of your posts in the past but you appear to have "gone off the meds" as they say on this one...WOW.

More to the point, after reading your post, which by the way, is chock full of baseless accusations, colossal assumptions and flat-out incorrect statements, I have lost a whole lot of respect for you're ability to deliver useful information to the readers of this forum (not all the time, mind you). The funny thing is that you'll predictably assume I feel this way, simply because your views are not mine....How simplistic of you to justify your accusatory reply. Some people are open minded and seek the truth yet others, like you want to believe something, and so set out justify that belief at all cost to logic and common sense.

1. I NEVER said my sexual ideology is better than hers nor did I imply it. Oh how you appear to take pleasure from believing it's so however. I said she relied on me (in part) to help her get past some things SHE wants to get past. This is HER request and things we've been talking about together in therapy...Oh I'm sorry, how self centered of me not to notice you're on the couch with us every week. My bad!

2. As far as your comical (in a bad way) paragraph loaded with silly analogies...They make no sense at all. For one thing, I NEVER said or implied I wanted to change her to think more like me. Again, SHE WANTS to get past some very specific things and asks for my help to work with her. What about that is so hard for you to understand. I'm so sorry some jerk pressured you into some stuff when you were younger...but that was not me!
Who are YOU to tell her who she can ask for help with things? This brings us to next silly thing you said

3. Therapy...Wow, are your wrong about some therapists. Please forgive me for assuming you did not survey 254,002 therapists in the USA. Again, Are you trying to come of as uneducated and ignorant, because you are. Let's say all 3 of us have been in therapy before. Just because YOUR therapists did not do something does not mean others don't or that it's wrong. You say "There is not a therapist alive who will tell you that it is acceptable for a spouse to assume this role" Are you kidding me? It's not about a therapist asking ME to be the therapist. That's crazy and not what I said at all. My wife and I have been in sessions together many times and our therapist HAS in fact, given us plenty of exercises to do as well help educate us in better ways to communicate to help each other reach our goals. You are really good ad adding 2 and 2 and getting 4 , or 6 or 10, or whatever else you want to believe 2 & 2 equal.

4. Finally, your accusation "you are taking advantage of a woman who has poor boundary control (according to you)." Is baseless and insulting. If anyone is taking advantage of anyone here...it's you. It should be obvious to all readers that YOU occasionally take advantage of some posters to vent the giant volcano that's still brewing from your own damaged past. Why don't you do me (and others) a favor and check just a small portion of what sounds like the largest set of personal baggage ever at the door before you fire off your judgmental machine gun?

I have respected many of your posts before but you've jumped off the deep end on this one...with your now famous axe to grind in hand. My point, by the way, about your obvious preconceived judgments were self evident from the start. Remember... When I asked quite specificially if anyone could help me, help my wife UNDERSTAND that MY desire to do something specific did not mean that it had to do with being gay..... And in classic form, you shot back AS IF I asked for help in forcing my wife to do as I wished...and with a cold hearted disregard for her own feelings.

I'm not sure what your day job is Bluesy, but if it's not in the professional judgment and conclusion jumping business, you've really missed your calling. I believe your intentions are good, but you know what they say about what the pavement on the the road to hell is made of, right?

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck in reaching your goal of placing a single neat and narrow handle on all men who write in for help about any situation with their wives' that's less then satisfying. It's simply wonderful and your off to a great start.

Is there anyone out there who agrees with me on this? (Contrary to Bluesy's post, I do welcome all thoughts on this, even if they differ from my own and for what's it's worth, you are free to choose your own breakfast cereal and political party. Please!

Sgman

SG, if I misconstrued your previous post, I am truly sorry. It seemed in direct contrast with what you'd said earlier, and I had an "OH GOODY, here we go again!" moment...and I have a particularly bitter disdain for hypocrites. This is what I'm referring to:

To my mind, the logical inference here is that if you "SHOULD put zero pressure" on her to do something she isn't Ok with, that you are, at least some of the time, pressuring her to do things she is not Ok with (or things she hasn't sought your assistance with). Does that make sense? Why use the qualifier "should" if you're solely working with her to push beyond those boundaries she's explicitly enlisted your aid in dealing with? That's what threw me. The above statement appears to contradict what you said in your latest post about working with her on those boundaries she, with her therapist's guidance, has identified as self-limiting.

It just seems an awful lot like you've changed your tune there, and surely you can see why that is.

Let's take two people, Sam and Mary. If Sam pressures Mary to do something she doesn't want to do, the implication is that Mary's sexual values/precepts are inferior and she should acquiesce out of deference to his superior sexual ideology. I mean, if you press someone to do something because you think it's reasonable, what are you saying? You're saying that the values/precepts upon which their personal construct of sexuality is based are unreasonable. They are wrong for feeling the way they do and you are right. In a truly egalitarian relationship, both viewpoints are recognized as equally valid, different, but valid.

Hold up a sec. According to this:

You didn't say, "She relies on her common sense and a good therapist to help her separate what boundaries and fears are still just and what she should try to work through, AND THEN she enlists the aid of her husband to help her execute these goals." The implication, if your sentence is interpreted literally, that you're playing the role of therapist to a degree by helping her figure out what's relevant and what should be tossed. See, that is not a role a spouse should have because you have a vested interest in which goals are kept and which are trashed. Your biases and wishes may seep into and taint your judgment. You may unconsciously influence her to make decisions that are not in her best interest. The impartial and qualified party, the one who doesn't stand to benefit from her therapeutic objectives, is the only one who gets that job.

But maybe the wording was kinda wonky and I misunderstood. *shrugs* I apologize if this is the case. First you express similar contempt for "self-centered pricks", and then...well, then you say a few things that give the appearance of being authored by someone who possesses that very mentality. So, again, please forgive me if I've misconstrued a few things.

*Learn About STIs/STDs* *STD Fact Sheets*

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.