I'm going CRAZY!

Vlad and I are having issues lately in the sexual department. Just to brief everyone here is a bit of history. We have been together for almost 11 years and lived together for 6 of them. Our sex drive was on the same level before but lately it's gotten slower. I realize thats normal however how it's being handled isn't. We recently got married and our honeymoon was great, we did it every day. When we got back Vlad went into the same habits he's been having for past 2 years. He comes home and goes for the computer (he is a computer programmer and still wants to spend extra time on the computer RIGHT after work). I attempt to cook us some diner and invite him to help me (I don't get help) and eat with me (we eat in silence no matter what my attempts are, i will tell him about my day in detail but when I ask him about his day it's just "fine" or "ok"). Then he starts watching TV in the living room. Here is where my problem continues, he doesn't help with dishes and just falls asleep on the couch, we have gone several weeks like this, I sleep alone in our bed. I DON'T think it's normal for a couple around the age of 27 to not sleep together, let alone have sex every once in a while. I also have no problem going solo, however from time to time I need my husbands attention. I've brought this up to him several times and he always apologizes but does not become pro-active about his promises. We barely have an emotional or intellectual connection. What really pisses me off is when he wants to get it on I am supposed to turn on like a light. I'm looking for good advice here, I've talked to him about all this calmly and rationally. I don't think he'll change and that scares me a bit. I think I've done more then enough coming up with ways to spice up our sex life or otherwise with fun activities. Like I said I really need some advice!! Please help.

Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome? … I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.

Jane I'm sure Bluesy will give some advice.
I simply don't understand guys like that.
But I do know a little about life, he sits at work, comes
home and sits more, Eats then falls asleep in front of the
TV. At 27 years of age he is destroying himself. Join a Gym
(I go to the local collage gym) and ask him to go with you
If you can get him to do something physical maybe thing
will change. Do anything, Bike, walk Go fishing anything to
get him moving. Does he take any vitamins, even that can help.

Hiker

jane, your relationship sounds like mine use to. been together with my SO the same amount of time. hes like talking to a brick wall sometimes. but you need to talk to him. my guy told me that his lack of attention to me sexually was that he was always the one to get things going. he said that he wanted me to make the moves and be the dominate one. try doing a strip tease or walking around in the nude. if that doesnt get his attention rip his pants off! as for getting him to help with the house work good luck. i take care of most things around our house. i dont know if your SO came from a home that wasnt as loving as other peoples homes were growing up. but that seems to be the issue with my SO. just tell him that you two need to talk about this. its important to have communication, if there isnt any things get pretty sour.

live life like theres no tomorrow, drink it all like the whole damn bottle.-kmk

Say goodbye to a tangerine sky say hello to tomorrow. when you say goodbye to a tangerine sky you loose your pain loose you fear loose your sorrow.--kmk

I will? Oh, all right then...the pressure is on...

If there's not even the remotest possibility that he could be depressed (sometimes the milder form of depression can manifest as a blase, apathetic sort of state), then it sounds like your DH might be suffering from general blahness of personality. There are people whose very souls are on fire, and that passion consumes everyone around them. On the opposite end of the scale are those who are strangers to sentiment and excitement, who are so dull and bland that they can barely muster the emotional energy to meet life with any semblance of enthusiasm. Marriage is never a cure for emotional blahness, and, in fact, it usually exacerbates it. Once the newness has worn off of your marriage, you may find that he becomes even more blah. So I kinda wonder why you married this guy in the first place. You knew what kind of person he was.

Again, I'm wondering why you married him. *Is at a complete loss for understanding*

*Learn About STIs/STDs* *STD Fact Sheets*

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

It sounds as though there are two issues here which maybe interrelated or not. I work in IT managment and work closely with programmers. When he comes home and goes to the computer has he taken work home to do? Programming is a high pressure, high stress job with very tight deadlines. The work has to be error free and any errors can have a devistating effect on the company and their computer systems.

Generally speaking many of the programmers I do work with tend to be very interverted and tend to keep to themselves. When it comes to social skills, having a conversation, or interacting they tend to be lacking. It is not to say that there is anything wrong with them or that your husband is the same. I am only mentioning this due to the fact some of the issues you raise tends to correlate with my observations of programmers.

The other issue that I have picked up on from your posting is some relationship issues and lack of communication. Is it possible that your husband is bringing the stress of his job home or that he is too exhausted from what he does? I am not justifying his actions but wondering if there is a relationship between his job and the issues you are raising?

My recommendation would be to try to develop an interest with him and allow that to be a basis for talking with him. Also find some way to connect with him. I feel if you can find a connection some of your issues, if not all of them, should be able to resolve themselves.

Hey Jane, I'm new here and actually got here thru a Google search. I have a similar issue after almost 15 years of marriage, though, obviously the tables are turned.

It's almost reassuring in a "misery loves company" kind of way to know that I'm not the only one out there. Both my wife and I are in our early 40's. Both of us have no problem getting attention from the other sex (thin, attractive), yet, are completely 1000% committed to each other. We're absolute best friends. My problem is the same as your's; my wife just doesn't have any interest whatsoever in sex. None. When she does actually decide to be intimate, I almost feel like she's doing it just to appease me. Granted, once I get "working on her", she really gets into it and has no problems reaching orgasm but getting her interested is almost an exercise in futility.

My sex drive is out of control and hers is virtually non-existent. To give an idea, I believe that a blow job is the ultimate "gift" a woman can give her man. A gift that shows that she wants to please her man. I received 1 blow job in 2007 - on Sept. 17th! That's it, and none since! ...and, yes, I'll "go down" whenever the opportunity arises.

Jane, I know that this is your thread to try to help with YOUR problems, but I thought I would chime in to let you know that there are some guys out there that are also going crazy.

What to do?

Excellent wonderment. To everyones surprise what I've described of Vlad is not the only side of him, I've brought up these issues before. I'm not the type of person who would just dish it out on the forum being upset and not communicate with him about it. At one point of our relationship he told me that he might be depressed but didn't want to do anything about it. The issues were mainly financial so he took the problems by the horns and we are much better with finances ... once that issue resolved he became happier yet lazier in a way. I realize everyone has flaws so his laziness hasn't bothered me until he became lazy about himself. We are still hot for each other it just bothers me how he treats himself so I've become frustrated over it. I'm bothered more about his lack of caring about this issue because it seems he is more anti-active about it instead of pro-active to fix the problem. He doesn't seem to want to fix this as much as he wanted to fix the finances issue. Am I crazy or is he?

Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome? … I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.

Jane,
I am in the same business and Winter usually kills my spirit. I'm convinced I have seasonal depression. With programming, there is usually little interaction with others, and add to that not wanting to do anything, because it's so cold outside. (Midwest bitter cold)

Plus, there are times in a person's life, especially when married, where he/she thinks "Is this all there is to life?" At some points (especially in Winter) I'll think to myself, "Yep, this is it." I know it's just the SAD speaking. When Spring arrives, the snow melts, and I can get outside, it's like an awakening.

Have you ever noticed the same with Vlad? If so, planning activities, outside of the house, is a good thing.

Also, one other question...do you work? Full-time/part-time? It's not unusual for a man to expect his SO, who stays at home, to do most of the house work. Especially if his job is stressful. However, if you work full-time, then there is not excuse.

If you've talked to him, and he's not getting better, I would think this might be a situation where counseling might help. You can't force him to go, though.

Jimson I do notice he is much better when it's not cold outside even if we are inside. I got my degree in Graphic Design last semester and have been working full time since September. Before I used to do everything and then some, now I feel he is expecting the same when I have no time/energy for it. Both of our jobs are stressful, I don't think he understands that I'm in the same boat now.

Ross: Hey Joe did… Did you ever have a threesome? … I sorta had one last night.
Joey: You got a little bored?
Ross: A little. Yeah. I made a snack.