Ejaculation & Fetish

Um, a weird observation from one who's just got into his first long-term relationship, and out of his (let's face it) long term masturbation habit.

The girl: she's hot, really ideal, lovely and sweet, great figure, everything I could want. She turns me on very well, no problem there. We'll make out, then make love... and make love some more and then some more... but I can't *come* without a fetish in mind.

It's beginning to affect us as a couple, because it's like I can't appreciate her. When I'm in the moment with *her* I am aroused, but never come. When we create a new "moment" and she for example wears a skirt that gives it that schoolgirl twist, or when she holds tight my balls like I'm her sex slave - I'm aroused, *and* come.

It's like I need a fetish, because just making love to her beautiful body isn't enough. I think I need tips on mental control: how can I be in the moment just with her, and come? When it's vanilla I keep thinking to myself how dull this is, essentially not believing in the power of her body alone to make me come. Am I weird for not coming without a fetish in mind?

Thanks for your replies,

Delmonte

ps. on the plus side this condition means I can carry on for literally hours - she loves it. Maybe men out there who know what it is to come after 5 thrusts could tell me their secrets?!?

Stop watching porn and stop masturbating. Forget everything you've seen or heard on the internet or in movies. Really, you may have dulled yourself to a "real" woman by overindulging in masturbation or pornographic images.

yeah, I think that's it. Tragic really. This whole experience is like re-engaging with real life - and putting fantasy life aside. I wonder if there's any self-help literature on this topic. Anyone?

Fantasizing can be a good thing for a relationship, so don't feel you can never do it again. Just take the time to get to know the flesh and blood woman in your bed first and learn to appreciate all that she is and how she makes you feel without comparing her to others.

Go a week without masturbation. See if that brings it back, after not having sex or masturbating for a few days it feels so much better.

We shouldn't arm ourself for war, arms are for hugging

Hey delmonte, I don't have an answer apart from saying you're not alone! I'll be watching this thread with interest

Its nice to be important, but more important to be nice

I agree, while you already realize your need to get a bit more grounded in reality, don't throw out something that could be a creative spark for years to come. But for now, lay in bed, or wherever, and quietly focus on her; think of how you feel about her and learn to appreciate every detail about her. Smell her hair, her perspiration, taste her, nibble her neck, belly, toes, it goes on and on.
Don't make a big deal about it, just keep it in mind and work on it. It may take a while. If she knows you feel troubled about it, that's fine, but don't yak about it during intimate interludes.
Be cool, at 23, most people are trying to figure out exactly what their sexuality is and where it's headed. Once you get more comfortable, the fantasy games may be something she wants too. There is a good chance she's never been with a man with a sexual imagination.

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I've never heard of self-help lit for fetishists, but true fetishism, or being dependent on an object/scenario/etc. for sexual satisfaction, is considered a sexual disorder, and there are counselors who specialize in treating sexual disorders. You might have to ask around for a referral...I think the APA (American Psychological Association) has an 800 number for just such a purpose. My best to you

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The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

The fundamental different between "fantasy" and "fetish" is - A "fantasy" is something that is arousing, but not necessary for sexual satisfaction. And, you could actually play the whole thing out in your head, and enjoy it. A "fetish" is something (a scenario, costumes or props) you need in order to achieve sexual satisfaction.

As Bluesy indicated, a 'fetish' is a mental stronghold that often cannot be broken without some sort of counseling. Sounds like you are willing to break your psychological dependence on your fetish, so that's the biggest step. Good luck to you, and perhaps other members will know of some intervention techniques.

When I was a teenager, we didn't have MTV.
We had to take drugs and go to Rock Concerts!

Mmm, interesting. I like your differentiation between fetish and fantasy Rose, it definitely seems to ring true in this case. I'm humble enough to recognise something's off and will look into seeking help. Thanks for all your advice, I plan to excavate Amazon.com until I get some answers...

Some having a wank during the week and just on night of passion weekend

I'm going to agree with HR on this.
If your GF doesn't mind indulging in some of your fantasies
then why not use them as a sexual aid. A lot of us do it,
I simply like a woman in an extremely short skirt
and my wife likes to oblige me.
So take the time to find out what her fantasies are,
We all have them. It you ask you may find that she
loves to fantasize being a whore ore something like that.
Yes Women have fantasies too.

Hiker