Joke of the day...

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again
and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had! "

The biker's buddies are starting to get
really mad but the biker still says nothing .

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
says...


"You're a mean drunk, grandpa. Go home."

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

When I was a teenager, we didn't have MTV.
We had to take drugs and go to Rock Concerts!

So funny, but oh so true.

I liked the first one, but I'm afraid Lp, that Rose stole the show and totally upstaged you with the second.

Very funny both of you, thanks for making me laugh and waking my partner up at midnight. Now she has the shits

What Matters Most Is How Well You Walk Through The Fire. Bukowski

...a nicer ass, too. And tits. And smile. And...I know, I know...

Not a joke but....

http://www.randomkittengenerator.com/

Oh - you are my new "very best friend'!!

But you gotta admit, it was a good joke!

When I was a teenager, we didn't have MTV.
We had to take drugs and go to Rock Concerts!

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Thanks for the laugh, Buff.

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

Thanks for this thread, LP And keep up the good work (Same to everyone else who contributed!)

*Learn About STIs/STDs* *STD Fact Sheets*

The most beautiful make-up of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. ~Yves Saint Laurent

The sexiest parts of my body are my brain, my heart, my spine, and my guts.

That last one was good. HAHA! Thanks, LP

Barbwire a.k.a. Cowboy Lover

Two entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

A guy is performing oral pleasure on his new girlfriend and really getting into it. Suddenly he shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

The girlfriend is like 'WTF!?' and just ignores him, trying to get back into the groove.

The guy again shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

"Hmmm..." thinks the girlfriend, "This guy is really weird." And just ignores him.

The third time the guy yells, "Urinate! Urinate!" she figures, whatever, and pisses all over his face.

"Bah!" the guy sputters, "Now you're a five!"