Joke of the day...

Show me the zoning

I am appalled that so many of my friends are against the mosque near Ground Zero.

We should allow it but in order to promote tolerance, I propose that a gay nightclub be opened next door to the mosque to promote tolerance in the mosque. We could call it "The Turban Cowboy" or "You Mecca Me Hot".

Next door could be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and across the
street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret!!

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

I lol'd

We shouldn't arm ourself for war, arms are for hugging

Do you know what a butter dick is?
think butter face

We shouldn't arm ourself for war, arms are for hugging

Pregnancy tips: http://www.thisblogrules.com/2009/12...ancy-tips.html

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her "You have so much to live for," said the man. "Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away on my ship. "I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings food and I get a free trip to Europe." "I see," the captain says. "Plus," (wanting to make a full confession, she adds) "He's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

Irish Honesty

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the
loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing
the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the
bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of
the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and
calmly shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. "Did anyone
else see my face?" calls the robber.

There are a few moments of silence...then one elderly Irish gent, looking
down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have
caught a glimpse ...

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

An oldie:


A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note
for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the
note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5
gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came
to the door and the milkman said, 'I found your note asking me to leave
25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up
with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.'
The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?' The blonde said, 'No,
just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face.'

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

A jokester is getting on a plane leaving New York and sits down by another guy. After a bit of silence he leans over and says, "Hey man, do you wanna hear a joke? I got a really great cop joke..."
The other guys says, "Sure, but let me tell you first that I am, in fact, a cop."
The jokester says, "That's alright... I'll tell it reeeeal slow..."

~Steve

Me: Um, are you okay Baby?
Her: Hin... hit... ...an'... sheets... ...hummm...

Me: ...I'll take that as a yes.
9-26-2010

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of
execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he
was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at
home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is
this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and
on . . .


Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself
a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by
the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.


While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that
her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after
all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.


Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was
greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.


"They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

a lady walks into tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...

Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like tiffany's...

He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam . How may we help you today

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet ??'

he answers, "madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when i tell you the price .."

A man went to Philadelphia having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Pittsburgh.

"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man. She answered, "No sir, that's where the end of the line is."

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !

A Chilean miner is making love to his wife for the first time since his release.....
he says...."do you mind if we turn the lights off'?
his wife says...."sure honey.....anything you want"...
He asks....."do you mind if I do you doggy style?"
"No problem" she says....."whatever you want baby"...
then he says....."Do you mind if I call you Joe?".....

Good one HR !

ILLIGITIMI NON CARBORUNDUM !