Joke of the day...

cook74 · 10-23-07

OMG

I think I just urinated from laughing too hard.

Scruples · 10-23-07

I'm new at this, but here we go ......

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating toward the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at
the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note fromher
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful
homes in California , Aspen , Colorado and Miami.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts.

BUT,
Not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!"

cook74 · 10-23-07

Great joke Scruples!

You could have been making people laugh for the last 4 years member 237.

Scruples · 10-23-07

Actually, I got a reminder via Hotmail ....

Scruples · 10-23-07

How long can this go on .... let's see huh :

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact.

"Connie....Connie. "

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"

LPjammin · 11-09-07

...finally reached his dreams and retired from the investment firm, the yacht club and summer on the Hamptons and bought his dream spread way back up in the hills, away from pretty much everything.

As he was settling in to his dream cabin one day, a pick up truck came rumbling up the long drive and out popped Billy Bob to introduce himself and welcome the new neighbor.

Tad introduced himself, they chatted for a bit about the area and the coming winter and Billy Bob said to Tad "Hey, I'm having a little get together Saturday night. Why donctcha come on down? There's gonna be drinkin' and a dancin' and a cussin' and a fuckin' and a fightin'. We'll have a grand old time before winter sets in. Come on over and be mah guest!"

Tad thought it over for a minute and figured this would be too good to miss. Plus, he hadn't been laid in some time and could only dream about those mountain girls, so he says;

"Sure! Sounds like fun! What should I wear?"

Billy Bob pauses, spits and says "Oh, it don't much matter. I ain't too particular.
Just gonna be you and me."

slamd097 · 11-09-07

A teacher in class was going over the definition of the word definately.
she then asks the class to use the word in a sentence.
Being the little smart ass she was little suzy rockets her hand up. "Teacher, teacher, I know, I know!"
The teacher says, "Ok little suzy, lets her your sentence"
"The Sky is definately blue!" she all but screams out.
the teacher thinks, and says "yes the sky is blue, but not all the time. So saying the sky is blue is not right."
Little jonny pops his grubby hands up.
Seeing this the teacher silently prays. Thinking on it though, what could he possibly say with the word definately that would be rude?
She then nods to Jonny approving him.
"Are farts lumpy?" Little Jonny askes.
"Um, not that I know of, why?" Asked the teacher.
"Well then, I definately shit my pants!"

ChargerBabe · 11-09-07

I love the computer gender joke! Thanks Rose!

HornyMum30 · 11-11-07

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the
biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your
grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck
naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies
are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight
at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again
and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had! "

The biker's buddies are starting to get
really mad but the biker still says nothing .

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and
says...

"You're a mean drunk, grandpa. Go home."

Very funny, thanks for sharing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rose

An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked "What gender is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender, for the following reasons:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they cause the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

So true, thanks for sharing!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffalo204

Not a joke but....

http://www.randomkittengenerator.com/

Cute cat, Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffalo204

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word ‘PENIS’ was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day’s being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

Very funny Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
vehicle

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

LOL, good one!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

BILLY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, BILLY, that's a mouthful."

Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

LOL funny, thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

Two entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

good one, Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

A guy is performing oral pleasure on his new girlfriend and really getting into it. Suddenly he shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

The girlfriend is like 'WTF!?' and just ignores him, trying to get back into the groove.

The guy again shouts, "Urinate! Urinate!"

"Hmmm..." thinks the girlfriend, "This guy is really weird." And just ignores him.

The third time the guy yells, "Urinate! Urinate!" she figures, whatever, and pisses all over his face.

"Bah!" the guy sputters, "Now you're a five!"

LMAO, thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scruples

I'm new at this, but here we go ......

A BOTTLE OF MERLOT

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said,

"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating toward the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at
the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note fromher
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes
in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.

He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read:

"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8,
a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages, beautiful
homes in California , Aspen , Colorado and Miami.

There is over twenty million dollars in my bank accounts.

BUT,
Not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!"

That was great, thanks!

Iron Horse · 11-11-07

Thanks for the jokes everyone.

HornyMum30 · 11-11-07

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scruples

How long can this go on .... let's see huh :

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word he made contact.

"Connie....Connie. "

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Joe, you surely must be in Heaven!"

"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona"

That was great thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

...finally reached his dreams and retired from the investment firm, the yacht club and summer on the Hamptons and bought his dream spread way back up in the hills, away from pretty much everything.

As he was settling in to his dream cabin one day, a pick up truck came rumbling up the long drive and out popped Billy Bob to introduce himself and welcome the new neighbor.

Tad introduced himself, they chatted for a bit about the area and the coming winter and Billy Bob said to Tad "Hey, I'm having a little get together Saturday night. Why donctcha come on down? There's gonna be drinkin' and a dancin' and a cussin' and a fuckin' and a fightin'. We'll have a grand old time before winter sets in. Come on over and be mah guest!"

Tad thought it over for a minute and figured this would be too good to miss. Plus, he hadn't been laid in some time and could only dream about those mountain girls, so he says;

"Sure! Sounds like fun! What should I wear?"

Billy Bob pauses, spits and says "Oh, it don't much matter. I ain't too particular.
Just gonna be you and me."

LOL, thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by slamd097

A teacher in class was going over the definition of the word definately.
she then asks the class to use the word in a sentence.
Being the little smart ass she was little suzy rockets her hand up. "Teacher, teacher, I know, I know!"
The teacher says, "Ok little suzy, lets her your sentence"
"The Sky is definately blue!" she all but screams out.
the teacher thinks, and says "yes the sky is blue, but not all the time. So saying the sky is blue is not right."
Little jonny pops his grubby hands up.
Seeing this the teacher silently prays. Thinking on it though, what could he possibly say with the word definately that would be rude?
She then nods to Jonny approving him.
"Are farts lumpy?" Little Jonny askes.
"Um, not that I know of, why?" Asked the teacher.
"Well then, I definately shit my pants!"

ROFLMAO, Thanks!

LPjammin · 11-13-07

...of 5,000 men, 24-64, broken down proportionally by income bracket and race, were asked 'What do you like most about receiving oral sex?"

3% said 'The warmth'

4% said 'The intimacy'

93% said 'The silence'

Margin for error is +/- 0%.

ChargerBabe · 11-13-07

Quote:

Originally Posted by LPjammin

...of 5,000 men, 24-64, broken down proportionally by income bracket and race, were asked 'What do you like most about receiving oral sex?"

3% said 'The warmth'

4% said 'The intimacy'

93% said 'The silence'

Margin for error is +/- 0%.

That is great!

I love it!

Hot Wheels · 11-14-07

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.

Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his cock in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!"

LPjammin · 12-04-07

Just received this this morning...BEWARE;

Home Depot Alert

A "Heads Up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get hardware is the latest target are and can be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Teams of two female perpetrators come over to your car as you are loading up. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their unzipped jackets. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowe's. Now it's too late.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, 21st, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. Noon to three pm seems to be their favorite time to target the unwary. So, pass this along to your do it yourself-er and BE CAREFUL out there. Also, they seems to target those farther from the front of the store.