| A Strange, Confusing Night
Hi,
Yesterday evening my closest friend (who shall be named Sascha) invited me to a birthday party that was being held at some park. I decided to join Sascha since I knew a majority of the people attending the party. I had no intentions of drinking, so I went empty-handed, whereas Sascha brought some alcohol.
When we arrived at the party hardly anyone was there except for some people that I knew. We eventually started to drink (me too, out of group conformity or peer pressure or whatever) but I knew when to draw the line. Before I knew it, Sascha had consumed quite a large quantity of vodka and was completely drunk. I, on the other hand, was borderline drunk; I could still think clearly but was just confused about what was happening around me.
Now, this is where my sex life comes into the equation. A person I had never seen before (who shall be named Sam), appeared and joined our party, which had since grown in number. At this time Sascha was on the ground vomiting, and I had helped him/her to a bench to rest. I suppose Sam saw me, and saw how intoxicated I was, and decided to talk to me. Sam had asked me, "How drunk are you?" and I replied, "Just a little bit. I knew I shouldn't have drank." "Why?" Sam asked, "drink some more." I said, "No, I don't think that's wise. I need to stay sober in order to find a way to bring Sascha home." Sam continually pressured me to drink more. Eventually the conversation became more sexual, such as Sam asking me "Why don't you take off your pants?" "Everyone's getting sexed up, I would too..." (something along those lines, I can't remember that fully) and a number of other things that I can't remember.
Eventually, Sam asked me to walk him/her to the bus-stop, but I told Sam, "I have to stay here with Sascha." "But it's [the park] dark and I don't know where the exit is." Eventually I said, "Fine, if you really need to get home safely, I guess that's all that matters." So, I found a friend to watch Sascha for me and I went with Sam deeper into the park. At this point, Sam was brushing up against me, touching me, he/she was continuing the sex talk, asking me "You do know what I want from you." Now, throughout the entire night, I knew Sam was taking advantage of my intoxicated state and I knew she wanted to have sex with me, and a part of me wanted to have sex (since I'm a virgin), but in the end, I told Sam I had to go back to Sascha after bringing Sam to the nearest bus-stop. That was the last I saw of Sam. As for Sascha, I managed to find some friends to drive us home.
Now, I had a really strong desire to have sex with Sam, not because Sam wanted it, but I too found a liking to him/her (whether this was an authentic, sober liking I am not sure). A part of me regrets not having sex with Sam, but I figured if this is going to be my first sexual experience with a partner, it might as well be a memorable one, a loving one - not some one-night stand. But, when I think of it, does it really matter? Why can't I have sex just for the sake of having sex - just for the thrill or pleasure? Why must I always listen to my conscious if listening to it only places me in a more confused, regretful state? If I give in to my desires, will I regret my choices in the future?
And what of Sam? Sam kept claiming that he/she was drunk, but I knew it in my mind Sam was relevantly sober. Was I just another one of Sam's 'victims'? Is it likely Sam has done this before?
I guess the reason why I was so attracted to Sam was because Sam met my desires - to be included, to feel beyond 'special', and obviously, to have sex.
Anyways, this is getting way too long. I would just like YOUR input on the event, your personal experiences, anything to help me and others who are have been or are in the same situation.
Thank you.
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